Randland!
by gopherwhote
Summary: A rather AU telling of the WoT crew's jaunt off to Randland, the world's most disturbing theme park, in the modern day world, complete with 7-11 pitstops and modern guides. Fun fun fun on the way. Quite possibly the most twisted WoT story ever. READ ME!!
1. A decision

Welcome to Randland!

This story is going to be written from everyone's point of view separately, just like the real story ::aww:: So...ENJOY!

A decision

****

It was a cold and windy day in July as Nynaeve Al'Meara sat looking out her window at the clouds gathered around the tower from the small, unfurnished room she shared with Lan Mandragoran, her husband.

"Burn that Light-cursed boy! When I get my hands on him, I'll make him regret the day his mother ever kissed his father! I don't know WHY those goat-kissing Atha'an-Mier taught him the weaving of the winds anyway!"

Lan sat on the bed opposite her. He was used to her brainless twatterings. "Nynaeve, Rand was adopted. I don't think they could have spawned him by kissing, anyway."

Nynaeve's face grew dark, as smoke filled the room. Coughing, she opened the window. "I was talking about Aran-gar! Light, you think I want to touch Rand? Do you know where he's been? Out in the barn, with Min! All day! What is going on? What's that smell? Where's that flaming smoke coming from?

Lan opened his mouth, ready to make a remark on 'flaming smoke', when a tall, ordinary-looking man crept into the room, hoping to remain unnoticed. "Gray man!" The words were barely out of Lan's mouth before his sword sliced through the other man's torso.

Nynaeve stared at the growing pool of blood around the dead man. "Lan, that was just the Alhambra guy."

Lan sheathed his sword and sat down on the bed, pretending nothing had happened. "So, Nynaeve, you don't want to touch Rand, but your not afraid of touching Aran-gar?"

"I'll just throttle her-er, him with my braid" The door swung open to admit a short, formerly blonde girl with hair.

Lan looked up hurriedly, standing as he did so. He spun to face Nynaeve, gesturing to the corpse. "How could you? You know better than to indulge your homicidal tendencies! " Heather tapped her foot and gave him The Eye. She stepped over the body of George, the Alhambra guy, and sat on the bed Lan and Nynaeve shared, then realized that was a bad idea, and transferred her butt to the floor, instead.

"Robert Jordan just got a check for the Wheel of Time series, so we're going to take it from him and do something fun! 'We' meaning Sarah and I. You all still have to finish paying for that castle you burned to the ground."

Lan was wearing a not-so-out-of-place look of stupidity on his face "What castle?"

"This one. It's on fire. Padan Fain dropped his joint. Oh, by the way, you might want to get out before you die" Leaving it at that, Heather jumped out of the window, because she knew Sarah would channel and catch her. Sarah had no such intentions for Nynaeve and Lan, though. They fell with twin plops onto an all ready stoned-looking Padan Fain, who would have protested despite the fact Nynaeve was sitting on his head

Lan got up and tried to pretend he didn't have a concussion, but spoiled the effect by trying to dust off his coat and falling on his face.

"You know," said Elaida tentatively, knowing she would probably be smacked, "we have like, 20 people here who can channel. THEY could put out the fire..."

Minutes later, the building is extinguished, and Elaida and Padan Fain are carted off for hospitalization. Stepping out from her hiding place in Lan and Nynaeve's wardrobe, Aran-gar disdainfully twisted her mouth while removing the jock-strap from her head. So, Nynaeve was going to make her regret being conceived, eh? She flung her hand about trying to dislodge the small piece of elastic undergarment, which seemed to have found a true, meaningful relationship with her left hand. She growled under her breath, then out loud. 'I'd like to yank that braid right out of her head,' she thought, before remembering what happened the last time she had done that. She shivered, remembering the thick piece of hair following her around wherever she went until Nynaeve grew a new one. She heard footsteps, and hurriedly ducked back in the wardrobe.

"-don't like avocados! I don't CARE if it increases my sex drive, they're nasty!" The door slammed, and Aran-gar peeked out the crack. Nynaeve was looking at the jock strap Aran-gar had managed to disengage. "What is my jock strap doing out? It looks sad." She bent over and picked it up, wrapping it around her head like a bandana. Lan twitched on the bed. Nynaeve casually back handed him. "I'll make you some guacamole" The jock strap made a twittering sound, and Nynaeve smacked it. "You're too moody," she snapped, "you've been moody ever since Moiraine died. You've been even moodier since she came back. All you've wanted to do is practice swords with Rand, and that just doesn't seem clean." The jock strap sank it's teeth into Nynaeve's scalp, and she ripped off a bed post and bashed the jock strap with it, which was also painfully close to her head. She just succeeded in grinding the 100% wool into her forehead. Aran-gar snickered gently.

Nynaeve's head whipped around. "Did you hear that? The closet thinks it's funny! I'll show it!" She ran full speed into the wardrobe and bounced off, then tried again. The jock strap continued to gnaw at her head, and Lan decided he probably couldn't use his sword to get the jock strap off, since he, in all probability, wouldn't succeed without taking off part of Nynaeves head too. Heather casually walked in and surveyed the scene. 

"Do you want me to get the jaws of life?" she asked Nynaeve, who was wrestling with the wardrobe. "Ajax! Come!" The jock strap sprang off Nynaeve's head and onto Heather's shoulder. She smacked it aside, and it skittered under the chair. "The check was bigger than we thought. Apparently, all eight of the books were New York Times bestsellers, so we decided to take you all to...Randland!"

The room was filled with less enthusiasm than she would have liked. Aran-gar mentally jumped up and down, then physically, which resulted in the wardrobe emitting a queer thumping noise and hopping across the room. Heather opened the door, and she toppled out, with roughly five bruises on her face. She feebly waved to Nynaeve. "I was just looking for...the...dirty magazines Lan keeps in here."

"They're under the-Hey! My husband does not keep dirty magazines!" Nynaeve went over and sat on Lan's lap protectively, which caused him to convulse and the bed to collapse

"I think you guys are mature enough to handle it..." Heather turned and walked out of the room. She left an ominous silence in her wake


	2. Leavetakings

Leavetakings

By high noon, the whole castle was buzzing with activity as people started to pack. They piled into Sarah's VW van, and started the 5-hour journey to Randland, the most disturbing place on earth

Aviendha sat in the back, wondering who she should stick her knife in first, then decided it would be Rand, and did so. Sarah spun to face them, since Heather was taking the first shift at driving. "You both stop that or I'll use your faces to pound fence posts!" Rand started to protest, but cut off as he felt a hand slide up his thigh. "Thom! Quit it!"

Thom sat looking at him from two seats away with a clueless look on his face. "I didn't do it" Rand looked to either side of him. To his right were Padan Fain, Lan, Aviendha, and Nynaeve. To his left were Moiraine, Be'lal, Thom, and Lanfear. In the seats facing him were Min, Aran-gar, Osan-gar, Perrin, Faile, Mat, and Queen Tylin. Directly behind him were Elayne, Egwene, Lews Therin, the Myrddraal, and the Whitecloak. Facing _them_ were Pocket, Pip, Elaida, Loial and Ajax the jock strap 

Rand squinted, and decided that it had to have been Moiraine, and slid his hand up her thigh, and was smacked in response. He rubbed his cheek and shouted "Well, then, who just rubbed my thigh?" Padan Fain made a gagging noise "That was YOUR thigh? Aaack!!!" Sarah turned around and threw the cigarette lighter at Rand. "I said stop it!" Padan Fain continued to twitch. 

Avienda decided to start a little trouble. She pinched Lan's bottom and tapped Nynaeve's shoulder at the same time. Nynaeve looked at Lan, and he frowned at her and rubbed where he had been pinched. He was back-handed by Nynaeve. "Don't scratch your butt in public" Lan eyed Aviendha, but she just shrugged. Lan looked at Rand suspiciously, and Rand smiled back. Lan let out a yell and smashed Rand's head into the seat. Aviendha laughed, and Lan rounded on her. She pulled out her short spear, and he pulled out his sword. They were stopped by a squeaking sound coming from the back. A wail followed.

"AAAAAAh! For Light's sake make them stop!" 

"NOOOOO!" 

"Aaah no! I REPENT!! I'm sorry I'm sorry!" 

Sarah barked from the front "Pocket PIP! STOP THAT THIS INSTANT! HEATHER, PULL OVER!" Heather pulled into the driveway of a gas station. 

A few minutes later Sarah got back into the car. "There. That's better. If they want to do that sort of thing they can do it in the trunk." Vague thumps drifted forward.. "The sedatives should kick in pretty soon. Does anyone want anything before we leave?" A chorus of no's followed. Heather peeled off, 

About 20 minutes later, a vague sloshing sound was coming from the back. 

"Heather, I really, REALLY have to go to the bathroom!" 

"Dammit Fain, we were just at a gas station!" Padan Fain scrunched up his face in attempt to look pleading. He just succeeded in looking constipated. "But I have to go NOW!" Sarah slammed her head in the glove compartment once, then calmly turned to face Fain. "If you didn't have to go that bad 20 minutes ago, you can wait." 

Fain's eyes began to water. "But-" 

"No! Now, hold it for another 4 ½ hours."

A few minutes passed in silence. "AaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!" 

Heather veered the car off the side of the road "What what?!?" 

"THAT LIGHT CURSED GOAT KISSER MOISTENED THE SEAT!" Heather turned off the engine and calmly walked to the back. She opened the door and hauled Fain out "If you have to go so bad, go in the woods" Padan Fain looked at her as a deer looking into the headlights of a car would. "But-but I don't have to go anymore. . ."

"I SAID GO!" Heather roared and booted him off into the woods. Padan Fain decided this wasn't the time to argue, and dropped his pants.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!" 

"Oooo, his butt is so shiny-_bap_- ow" 

"Ewwwwww" came from the other passengers still in the car. "Ajax! Attack!" Heather commanded. The jock strap leaped to obey. As he ran off, Heather gathered up Padan Fain's pants, _breeches _ she thought disgustedly, and used them to mop up the mess on the seat, then opened the trunk and tossed them in with the trunk's current occupants, who had somehow managed to procure a single lace-trimmed stocking and were busy taking turns pulling it over their heads and sticking their tongues out at each other. 

Pip looked up as light flooded the trunk where they were stashed. He giggled shrewdly up at Heather, then lost sight of her as something moist dropped over his eyes. He pulled it off his head and looked at Pocket, then took turns pulling this new piece of material over their heads and sticking their tongues out, which caused a funny taste to enter their mouths, but they didn't connect that with the fact that it was wet, or that it smelled like urine. He looked at Pocket and said "Urine." They both giggled over that for awhile. Heather threw a disgruntled badger in just because, then slammed the trunk and got back into the car to face Sarah. "Are you sure it was sedatives you gave them?" She started the engine and steered back on to the road. They rode in perpetual sanity for a short time, until the Myrddraal lifted it's greasy little head and simpered at Sarah. "What?" she sighed, knowing the answer would probably make a nerve in her brain explode.

"I'm hu-Uh, I miss Padan Fain" Lews Therin giggled, then gave him an odd look, which he did purposely often just to make people wonder about him. Heather slammed on the brakes, sending Be'lal flying up to the front to smash himself against the windshield. 

"Should have been wearing your seatbelt" Heather said, but her heart wasn't it in. Her head was filled with rather amusing images of Padan Fain being chased through the woods in his underwear by a rabid jock strap. She looked to Sarah. "We should maybe go back and get him, neh?" 

Sarah sighed in resignation. "If we don't, the Myrddraal is going to try to be cute again, and that's just too odd for even them." The characters were all going through some sort of convulsion, and Lews Therin was trying to be cute back, which made the atmosphere of the car like that of a Spice Girls convention, with everyone wondering about the quickest way to end it all. An incredibly disturbing thought occurred to her. She got out and opened the trunk. Sure enough, there were Fain's underwear, twined around both Pocket and Pip's heads. She immediately banished images of Fain running completely naked through the woods being pursued by a rabid jock strap. She shuddered, and closed the trunk on Pip's request to buff her elbows with Fain's underwear. She climbed back in the car, and put it in reverse, instantly running over Fain, who had been running after the car and had just caught up. Lying still as he was, Ajax managed to catch up to Padan Fain and set about gnawing on him. Heather commanded a screechingly protesting Ajax to cover up Fain, and deposited him in the trunk with Pip and Pocket for the trouble he'd caused her, such as making her put a squeaking jock strap on him. She got back in the car and, once again, steered back onto the road. The peace lasted only minutes. The Myrddraal lifted it's head and whimpered.

"What?!?" Sarah demanded. 

"I didn't want to say this before, cause I didn't want to be a burden, but, um, I'm, I'm kinda..."

"YES...?" 

The Myrddraal sighed and finished in a rush "wellit'sjustthatI'mkindahungry"

Sarah took several deeps breaths before she could continue. "Say it slo-" She was interrupted by a horrible grinding noise from the trunk. Heather and Sarah faced each other. "I hope that's not what I think that is..." Sarah said nervously. 

"I put Padan Fain in the trunk. . ." Heather looked back to where the noise was coming from. "You go, Sarah. **_I_** had to put a jock strap on Padan Fain"

"Righty-o." Heather pulled into a pit stop and Sarah stepped out, leaving her alone with the occupants in the car. She eyed them in the rear-view mirror suspiciously. "You're all being awfully quiet. . ." Lan stared back at her with a glazed expression. "What's going on?" She turned around to study everyone. Aran-gar was as far back in the seat as she could go. Everyone else wore a hunted look and a wild light in their eyes "Lews Therin! Stop being odd at them! It's bad enough with the Myrddraal!" Lews Therin stopped making sad puppy eyes at everyone, and took the vampire fangs out of his mouth. Sarah got back in the car. "There was a badger in there. Padan Fain ate it" Heather spared a moment of sorrow for the badger, the shifted to first and took off down the highway. Sarah turned to face the Myrddraal. "Now, what were you saying?" The Myrddraal crawled out from under the seat to regard Sarah with a tortured light in his . .. .face. "Well, it's just that...I'm hungry." 

"WE WERE JUST AT A PIT STOP! AND BEFORE THAT A GAS STATION! AND YOU COULD HAVE GOTTEN SOMETHING BEFORE WE LEFT! WE HAVEN'T EVEN BEEN ON THE ROAD FOR AN HOUR!!!! EAT LEWS THERIN!" 

The Myrddraal turned to face Lews Therin, and Sarah regarded Heather in the front seat. Heather had the steering wheel firmly clenched in her teeth. "Ummm. . . .do you want me to drive?" 

"Sure" Heather said, causing the van to veer wildly to the left. She stopped in front of a 7-11, and the Myrddraal's face was instantly pressed against the window. 

Heather sighed. "Yes, you can go in and get something." The Myrddraal peeled his face from the window, leaving a greasy imprint. A cheer erupted from everyone, and they grabbed the money from Heather and piled in the store, everyone except Moiraine, who sat where Be'lal had been silently stapling her dress to the seat. Sarah ripped Moiraine out and sent her off with money. She silently walked to the trunk. Muffled shouts were coming out. "It smells like gas out there!" "Tee hee, gas" "I'll shine your head for a quarter!" "I can't see my NOSE!!!!!!!" Sarah kicked it a couple times, then proceeded to pry Heather's hands from the steering wheel.

_Ding ding_ The small bell announced their arrival to the store. Lan shuddered. "That brings back disturbing memories." 


	3. A rest stop

****

A Rest Stop

"Buy someting or get out!" a voice with an Arabian accent told them grumpily. "I don have all day to watch you people" Aran-gar decided she should talk with this interesting individual. "But, 7-11 is supposed to be open 24 hours a day. You DO have all day to watch us. And if you're open all day, 24-7, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?" Aran-gar continued with other such intelligent questions, while everyone else circulated around the store.

Aviendha, as usual, was glued to Rand's side. Elayne and Min were close behind. Rand began to drift threateningly close to the beer freezer. Aviendha stared with a look of horror upon her face at the box of ice and snow. She promptly fainted. Loial ran over and waved a hot dog under her nose to wake her. She spluttered and sat up. When she saw who stood over her, she screeched and grabbed the hot dog away and started beating him with it. Loial managed to get away by hiding behind the nacho cheese machine. Rand watched this all with an air of amused uncertainty, which is very difficult to manage. Elayne glided up to him and grabbed his arm.

"Let Aviendha have the hot dog, I want _you_. I know you'll choose _me_." Rand looked down at her. Somehow, she managed to look beautiful even while looking totally evil. When she saw him looking, she smoothed her face and hugged him tighter. He managed to pry her off somehow. He couldn't keep any one of them near him if he thought he might hurt them. 

__

I always destroy what I love, and love what I destroy Lews Therin whispered. Rand spun around and threw a bag of Cheetos at him. "Cut that out!" Lews Therin goggled his eyes at him and snapped his teeth. Rand backed away with his hands up. Lews Therin picked up the chips Rand had thrown at him and bit into the bag. Rand turned his back on him, and found himself face-to-face with Min. Or rather, chest-to-face. Min reached up his shirt enticingly, ran her hands along his chest, grabbed a handful of chest hair and ripped. He howled, clutching his chest. Perrin howled back. Rand gave him the look Lews Therin had given him. Or tried to. He just managed to look like he was choking. Min whacked his back a couple times until he could explain that he was just kidding. She continued whacking afterwards, for making her think he was choking. He picked her gently up and set her aside and strode to Perrin, who was sniffing the beef jerky. "Perrin?" 

Perrin turned. He had a piece of beef jerky up his nose. With a growl, Lews Therin threw himself at Perrin and ripped the piece of beef jerky from Perrin's nose. He backed off growling and chewing at his prize. Perrin picked himself up with a stare for Lews Therin, then turned to Rand. "Yeah?" 

Rand realized with an embarrassed start that he had forgotten what he was going to ask. "So, um, how are you?" He gave a yelp and jumped forward, spinning to see Perrin with his nose where Rand's butt had been. "You are so _bizarre_!" Perrin straightened, opened his mouth, and was run over. He lay sprawled beneath Faile, who was standing on her tiptoes to stare at Rand, eyes full of rage. "How DARE you call my husband bizarre!! He's not bizarre, he's gifted!!! How many peoples emotions have you been able to discern by sniffing them? Huh?!?"

Aviendha ran up, her large belt knife exposed. "You stay away from him! Stand back, Rand! I have _toh _towards you because of this woman." They circled around each other, the others gathering around to cheer them on.

Nynaeve launched herself at the two women and smashed their heads together. Hauling each up by her hair, she stuffed Aviendha into the freezer and Faile into the Nacho cheese machine. Staring at any who would complain, she dusted off her hands and tilted her nose in the air. "Violence is not the answer." Lan, who was a slow learner, opened his mouth to remark on the insult she just applied to herself, when he found himself caught up in a pair of large, hairy arms. "I love you too, Nyae-Hey! Loial, what are you doing?!?" The Ogier looked down at Lan with a queer light in his eyes. 'Hmmm,' Lan thought. 'queer is not a good emotion when caught up in the arms of a species of your same sex. '

"Lan?"

"What?!?"

"Lan, you're my friend."

"Uuuaaarg! I mean, um, thank you, Loial. Would you mind NOT HUGGING ME?!?"

"Of course, Lan. I'm your friend, aren't I, Lan?

Lan backed off slowly. "Yeah, sure, _you queer, _you're my friend, too. Just, stay away from me. " With a grin that split his face, Loial lumbered off to look at the popsicles. Lan shook his head. When he looked up, everyone was staring at him. "What?" Osan-gar tilted his head "Uh, it's just that you said that you loved Loial. . ." 

"WHAT?!?" 

Osan-gar shifted his feet. "Well, you said "I love you too," and we all just thought that was weird." Everyone nodded, and Lan went off in search for a Klondike Bar. Everyone got tired of staring at nothing, so they stopped. A honk sounded outside to signal them to hurry up. 

Be'lal was trying to decide between an Abba Zabba and Rollos when he felt someone walk up behind him. Moiraine was there, looking at a Snickers. Be'lal was sure icicles should have been hanging from her chin, but that could have just been because he was standing next to a display of shoe polish and the fumes were getting to him. She stared at him frostily, and snatched at the Snickers. He placed his elbow so she would accidentally bump into it on the way back. The Snickers skittered under the shelf. Moiraine straightened, all Aes Sedai calm and composure, which was no fun, so he punched her. She just stood there, taking deep, angry breaths like she was trying not to tear the store apart and shove each of the pieces up his rectum. Maybe he shouldn't have punched her. She picked up the shelf with the Power, and threw it at him. At just the last minute, he realized he could channel, and did so. He caught it just as it hovered over his head. A force smashed into him from behind, and _saidin_ vanished. He fell to the ground, with Lan on top of him, and unfortunately, so did the shelf. 

Moiraine stared coldly at Be'lal standing next to the candy tray, apparently trying to decide between two candies, equally pointless. She would get that Snickers! Nothing else mattered, not even him. Just had to get close enough to...there! She stared in surprise as Be'lal's elbow shot out and knocked her precious Snickers to the ground. Not only did it touch the ground, but it actually went _under_ the shelf, where she couldn't reach it. _ No!_ She knew she mustn't get hysterical, so she took several deep, calming breaths. She could get it back. She could get a long object and knock it out _Breath in, breathe out. Calm. You'll get it back. _Actually, they weren't that calming. As a matter of fact, it was almost like being hit in the face. Un-calmed by her breathing, Moiraine grew frantic. She suddenly realized she could pick up the shelf with the Power, and just reach under and pick up the Snickers. She grabbed _saidar _almost hysterically to picked up the shelf and flung it aside carelessly. There, There it was! Unscathed, it sat gleaming dully under the florescent lights, molested only by dust bunnies, but those were easily dispatched. Weaving a flow of Fire, she burst all of the marauding bunnies into flames. Ahhh, now she was free to _NNOOOOOOOO!!! Her weave of Fire had MELTED the Snickers!!!_ With the look of madness in her eyes that she was barely able to suppress, she realized she could just get another. She was calm, cool, collected. Nothing could faze her. She walked calmly to the candy tray, which was for some reason lying on top of Be'lal and Lan. It didn't matter, all she needed was one Snickers. Just ONE SNICKERS! Be'lal began to twitch, but she didn't even notice. There they were, smashed to uselessness under the shelf. Under the shelf that she had thrown. She knew she was going to lose it. She could feel herself losing it She. . .was. . .losing it!

Lan stood over by the ice cream freezer, smiling at what he had found. A Choco Taco. He hadn't had one of those since he was a child. He opened the freezer, wanting to savor the moment. A very large presence in the air made him stop. He turned and saw the candy shelf hovering over Moiraine and strong feelings of loss and hysteria filtering through the bond from her. Then he saw the cause. Be'lal was standing there with a very odd expression on his face, as if he had to fart, but didn't want to make a noise. He shook himself to rid his head of bad analogies, and rushed to save his Aes Sedai.

Be'lal crawled back to consciousness, since anything faster would inevitably be painful. He stared up at Moiraine, staring at him with an awful expression on her face, as though he had been caught sleeping with her husband. He realized with a start that Lan was laying on top of him, and he pushed him off with a yell. Lan felt himself being pushed away, and wrapped his arms around the figure he was laying on. "I promise I'll never fall asleep again, Nynaeve. Just don't make me sleep with the horses," he mumbled. Be'lal screamed and lashed out with the Power. Lan went flying across the room, still mumbling, still thinking it was Nynaeve, smashing himself against the far wall. Moiraine felt him hit the wall, but even more clearly, she felt Nynaeve's braid around her throat. "AAUUUUKKK! Nynaeve, that wasn't me!" Nynaeve dropped her when she saw Be'lal. "YOU STAY AWAY FROM MY HUSBAND YOU PERVERT!" she screamed before a ball of fire burst out towards his head. It squashed itself to nothing on the shield Be'lal put up. He got up and turned to run.

Moiraine watched what was happening with a certain interest. After all, it was

Be'lal who had knocked the Snickers from her hand and started this in the first place. He got up to run, and Moiraine froze. There, stuck to his butt, somehow unharmed, was one remaining Snickers. She saw Nynaeve advance. She must have seen it too.

"NOOOOO!" she screamed, "IT'S MINE!!!!!" She rushed forward, hurling a wall of Air with all her might. Sending Be'lal crashing to the floor, the wall also took out one of the walls of the 7-11. Plaster and rubble flew.

When the dust cleared, everyone was deathly still except Moiraine, who sat triumphantly on top of an unconscious Be'lal, gnawing on what appeared to be a candy bar that had been just a moment before stuck to Be'lal's ass. Another honk sounded from out near the gas pumps, signaling Sarah and Heather were still waiting. Elaida began to creep back toward the van, and was set upon by Nynaeve wielding a beefstick. The man behind the counter was still engrossed in conversation with Aran-gar. He hadn't even noticed what had happened. Slowly, everyone shuffled to the counter to pay for their snacks. The cashier, Abuhdala, his nametag said, rung up everything without even looking up. "That be $67.84. An make it hurry, I don have all day to wach you peoples put you dirty fingers all over my stuff. Thank you, come again." 

Heather looked up from where Sarah had strapped her to the front passenger's seat to see everyone file out clutching a snack. She was pleased. Sarah slammed her head against the steering wheel again, emitting a honk, in an effort to drown out the constant banter from the trunk. As everyone climbed back in the van, Heather twisted her head to regard their smiling faces. "So, how was it?"

"Fine" came a chorus of voices. Nynaeve held out a pitiful piece of meat to the front. "I bought you a beefstick." 

Sarah and Heather looked at each other. "Uhhhhh. . .thanks. Where's the Myrddraal?"

Egwene sat straight up. "Who cares, let's go!" Heather gave her a weird look, which was no match for Lews Therin's, but was pretty disconcerting as it was. Egwene slumped down, still smiling. Lews Therin snickered, and Heather began to grow suspicious. "Where is he? And why is Faile covered in cheese sauce? And why is the WALL MISSING?? Where is HE? LEWS THERIN, WHAT IS THE MATTER?!?

Lews Therin swallowed uneasily. "Um. . .my nachos excite me" Heather gave him an exasperated look, and turned back to Nynaeve. "What happened in there?"

"Um. . .Moiraine wanted Be'lal's butt-candy" Heather twitched, but accepted it. Stranger things had happened. Peering at Lews Therin, she realized a lot stranger things had happened. The Myrddraal came running out with 5 slushies and a 16-inch high Frostee cone in his arms. He got into his seat, and Heather did another head count. "Okay, Sarah, we can go." Sarah gratefully turned on the engine to drown out the sound of Pip and Fain arguing whether toes or elbows tasted better with whipped cream. They peeled out onto the road. A low gurgle came from the back.

"Did everyone get a snack?" Everyone answered yes. "Then whose stomach is growling?" No one answered. Heather decided to ignore it, which was a mistake, since the low gurgle came again, and Lews Therin winced. Heather peered back at him, and it all hit home. The nacho cheese. Cheese. Dairy. Lews Therin wasn't supposed to have dairy. "Sarah, pull over." Heather shoved Lews Therin from the van, and got out his medical report from the glove compartment. 

****

Caution: Cramps, gas, and chronic death may occur on consumption of dairy products. Heather looked to Lews Therin, who was sitting humming along to his gurgles. _ Well, it was only a little cheese_ she thought, and walked over to Lews Therin. "Do you feel ok?" 

"Fine as goosefeathers. I take medication!" With an exasperated sigh, she stuffed him back in the van, and continued on their journey. They still had 4½ hours to go. Suddenly, Lews Therin piped up. "I forgot to take my medication this morning!" With an enraged scream, Heather crammed Lews Therin out the window, and he sat in the middle of the road singing until he was hit by a truck. "It's always fun to do that!" Heather said, beaming.

Heather realized she couldn't see Osan-gar or Aran-gar from her seat, and that worried her. She looked in the mirror, and they were sitting bending over something on their laps. Much to everyone in the back seat's horror, Heather climbed back there with them and sat on the floor. "What are you doing?" she asked, looking at their two stunned faces. "Uh. . ." Heather peeked over. "What's that?" Aran-gar held out a box of novelty items that had formerly been on the counter of the 7-11. "Counting cigarette lighters" Heather gave them an odd look. She was getting really good at that, and they gave a start, spilling the box. Heather surveyed the contents on the floor. "Hmmm, keychains, 18 faux-silk roses in neon green and black, cigarette lighters. Cigarettes? You two smoke? And why did you buy a bunion pad? And a money clip? You don't have any money! And a 16-pack of Trojans? What **are** you planning?!?" Osan-gar looked to Aran-gar. "Umm...I didn't buy them." Heather gave them another look, which sent them as far back into the seat as they could go. "Well, you sold your souls, I suppose I shouldn't care if you steal. But I do. Sarah, pull over." She gave them a smile that was supposed to be pleasant. "Into the trunk now"

Aran-gar peeled herself from the seat. "How did you get so good at that? I'll bet even Lews Therin would twitch." Heather gave them another smile, "I was practicing. The man next to us in the driveway gave me money to stop. Now, into the trunk! AND GIVE ME THOSE!" Heather snatched the Trojans Aran-gar was trying to smuggle to the back. She climbed into the car and they once again started out onto the road. "I am going to bite the next person who makes us stop." Heather glanced back, and hoped she wouldn't regret making that promise.

The Myrddraal sat up and gave Heather a pleading look. "FOR GOD'S SAKE WHAT IS IT?!?" The Myrddraal winced, but continued. " Um, I really have to go to the bathroom, so if you could just bite me _after _ I go, it'd probably be less messy." Heather saw the purpose of the glove compartment, and used it. She turned around with a dent in her head and a huge smile for the Myrddraal that made him wonder if Lews Therin would be jealous, and Heather calmly told Sarah that they needed to stop again. They were now it the middle of nowhere, and Heather followed the Myrddraal with her eyes until he disappeared behind a clump of trees, then settled back in her seat and hoped it would all be over soon.

Back in the far seat, the Whitecloak began to breathe easier. He was sure Heather and Sarah had seated him next to the Myrddraal on purpose. He sighed. Now he remembered why he hadn't complained. The Myrddraal was the only thing separating him from Lews Therin. But now that they both were gone, he sat across from Egwene, a Tar Valon witch. He sneered at her, but she was busy sneering at Elaida, who sat across from them. Loial sat staring at _him_ from across the seats, also. At least he wasn't in Elaida's seat.. That would put him right next to the big, odd Ogier. Egwene saw him looking at her, and sneered at him. He sneered back. Elayne just sat eyeing Rand, who was behind her in a very disconcerting way. Rand appeared to be bobbing up and down. The Whitecloak pulled his quiver out from under the seat where he had smuggled it. He only had one arrow left. Nocking it, he pointed it at the trees where he had seen the Myrddraal go. Aiming through the open window, he let the arrow fly. A solid _thunk_ told him the arrow had hit home. Heather and Sarah were talking quietly among themselves. They hadn't noticed. Whenever they got tired of waiting, they would take off and leave the dead Myrddraal's body behind. He giggled to himself, then stopped as he saw the Myrddraal emerge from the trees with an arrow apparently stuck through his head. He smiled contentedly as he got back in the car. He saw the bow across the Whitecloak's knees, then smiled at him. "Going to shoot some tourists at Randland?" The Whitecloak smiled uneasily back. "Uh, no, I'm out of arrows. Hey, is that a speck in your eye?" The Myrddraal tried to glance at his own eye, making him pass out after about 42 seconds of trying. The Whitecloak snickered delightedly. 

"What the hell is your problem, oddball?" came Heather's spine-grating question from the front. 

"Uh....." came the Whitecloak's intelligent reply. Heather climbed all the way back to place herself between the Whitecloak and the Myrdraal. "And if you stick another arrow in that thing's head, I'll tie you both up in the same bag. And...poke it with something. Uh, yeah. HEY!"

The Whitecloak tried to inconspicuously place his hand back in his lap. "What?"

"I SAW THAT! Take IT OUT!" Heather eyed the Whitecloak with only one eye so as to keep him in a state of consciousness.

"It's not an arrow! It's a Slushie straw!"

Heather calmly removed the Slushie straw from the Myrddraal's prone face and handed it to Loial. "L-Uh, Loial. Switch places with the Myrddraal. And touch the Whitecloak intravenously." Loial complied as Heather climbed back to the front (which is very hard to do.) Upon reaching the front, she turned to Sarah. 

"Kill me."

"Now now, it'll pass. Bite the Myrddraal, it'll make you feel better."

Heather eyed Sarah suspiciously. "It will?" Sarah nodded. "How do you know?" Sarah shrewdly eyed the rearview mirror. "Because Loial is looking pretty content as of right now." Heather glanced back. "LOIAL! Drop him!" She turned back to Sarah. "I'm not about to try anything that makes Loial happy. And that includes licking my-"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!! WHAT? What Rand?"

Rand sniffled and pointed and Aviendha. "She took me Lucky Charms."

Heather snorted, desperately trying not to laugh. Sarah, reluctant to squelch Heather's mirth, said slowly, "Heather, he got cereal. He means it literally." Rand held up the brightly colored box as proof.

"Oh. Damn. Aviendha, give him back his...charms."

"No. I ate them."

Heather gave up and guffawed. 

A very patient expression traipsed across Sarah's face. "Heather, don't do that, it's creepy."

Heather simply giggled, causing Rand to hang his head, and commence bobbing up and down.

Five miles and two bottles of beer on the wall later, they passed a sign bearing the words 'Randland, 347 miles.' A low moan escaped Sarah.

Heather tried to focus on the road while crossing her eyes, then gave up. "Do you want me to drive again? I feel only semi-sane now." 

"Can I drive?"

"Shut up Rand, you don't know how."

"But-"

Sarah snapped. "EVERYONE JUST SHUT UP FOR 27 MILES AND I WILL BE DELIRIOUSLY HAPPY! PLEASE!!! JUST SHUT UP"

Heather patted Sarah on the shoulder comfortingly. "There there. Try driving upside down, it'll make things more interesting."

Sarah tried to position herself in the suggested position, then simply pulled to the side of the road to give Heather a chance to climb into the driver's seat. "Oh," Heather said casually. "Be a bubble and go fetch Aran and Osan-gar from the trunk. I think if we leave them in for too long they may begin to enjoy it." Heather twisted to get a better view of Sarah. "Now Sarah, the sponsors will cancel our funds if you mince them." Sarah reluctantly handed over her machete. 

"Saraaaaah?"

Sarah handed over her blowtorch, and made the fifteen foot trip to the other end of the car. She opened the trunk, and slammed her head against the window, making the Whitecloak screech in fright. "Heather! They've chewed their way out!" She shuddered. "And they took the car jack." Heather tried to contain her giggles, and motioned Sarah to come closer. "Did you check the spare tire?" Sarah eyed her doubtfully. "Nooooo, I don't think they'd want to take that..."

Heather shook her head. "No no no, I mean it would be a nice accessory to put on this stunning dashboard you have here."

"Uh.....you did say half sane, right?"

Heather shrugged "Semi-sane. More like quasi-sane at this moment now. I'm under the influence of euphoria." 

Sarah climbed back in the car. "Never heard of that one. I suppose that means we're not going back?"

"Baaaaaaack....." came a low moan from the, well, back.

"Nynaeve, no being dirty! And that applies to everyone back there!" 

Nynaeve giggled and shifted on her seat. "Mmmm, baaaaack here. I'm in the baaaaack seat." Lan waggled his eyebrows, and together they bounded to the back seat. A squawk later the Whitecloak, Elayne, and Egwene came sailing over the seat to land beside Rand, who was still bobbing.

"Whatever. Rand, may I ask what the hell you're doing?" 

Rand smiled beseechingly. "Be my guest."

"Good. What the hell are you doing?

"Practicing for my audition with 'Cats'." 

Heather shrugged. "I expected something more amusing." Rand grinned and swayed back and forth. "And I don't mean the musical either."

Heather kicked off her shoe and lugged it at Rand, which bounded off his head and came rolling back to the front. Sarah beamed. "You've been practicing."

Heather picked it up, then peered inside. "I don't even want to consider how someone managed to get a note in my shoe." She removed it and read quietly, then out loud. "If you ever want to see your two creepy friends again, surrender the Dragon Reborn." Rand puffed his maimed chest out proudly "That's me!"

"Yes, we know." She crumpled the note "Too bad I don't care, huh?" 

Sarah giggled maniacally "Who says?" They sped off down the road. Two thumps later they returned to their halt. "I think this is becoming a habit." Heather rolled down her window and peered out. "I think we flattened some local fauna. Specifically some kind of rodent." She climbed out to inspect what was formerly three dimensional. "I think it's some sort of muskrat. I like muskrats!"

Heather carried it triumphantly to the back to where Loial and Elaida were watching Nynaeve and Lan try unsuccessfully to unbuckle Lan's sword belt. Heather tilted her head and grinned widely. "I neglected to mention I made certain precautions, did I not?" Nynaeve glared at Heather, and was smacked across the face with a flat animal for her trouble. "Here," she said, tossing it to Lan, who was, in her eyes, very likely one of the only characters who wouldn't try to eat it. "Hold this."

Lan screeched as Heather tossed it at him, then climbed to the front seat, where Sarah tried to start the engine, even though she was in the passenger's seat. Heather calmly slapped her hands away and puttered off down the road, slowly grinding to a halt after twelve feet, the gas gauge reading empty. Heather howled. Perrin howled back, and Heather dived to the back to beat him with her shoe. Sarah peered intelligently at them, then when Heather was satisfied said shrewdly. "We're out of gas."

"Stinky-poooooooooo" came the sound of Loial from the back, causing Nynaeve and Lan to squeeze desperately to the middle seats, which were becoming rather crowded. Loial now had the whole back seat to himself. With the exception of Elaida, but she didn't count for much. Heather responded with "I know" and proceeded to cry. "There there," Sarah said, "It's ok. We'll just...um...liquefy Loial and stuff him in the gas tank, ok?" 

This suggestion cheered her up, though she couldn't choose which reason why, the idea of getting going again, or of Loial being liquefied. They did so, and were soon off down the road.

"Oh Sarah," Heather asked pleasantly, "the note did say TWO creepy friends, right? Which two, and where are the others?"

Sarah pondered this for awhile, then said "bear"

"No", Heather said, "I'm pretty sure they were all clothed when I put them in, and Pocket and Pip were both tied up, so-"

"No, BEAR!"

A large thump later Heather and Sarah were standing in front of a very flat bear. "Ohhhhhh, _bear_" 

Sarah turned to Heather. "What do you want to do with it?" Heather shrugged, and made the third little tally on the van of that day, and once again, they were off. Then they stopped. Heather climbed out, cut a switch, shredded it and began braiding it into a rope, which she used to tie Rand up.

"You should use a square knot, he tends to wriggle out of any other."

Heather turned to regard Aviendha. "How in hell do you-never mind, don't answer that, I know what you like."

"Betcha don't know what I like!" came Loial from the back.

"Shut up," Heather said harshly, then climbed into the passenger seat for what must have been the twelfth time that day.

Sarah twitched. "If I wasn't terrified of the prospect of touching him, I'd rip his little head off."

Heather twitched too. "Well, I AM the prospector dominatrix!" Sarah twisted in her seat to stare at Heather. "What is THAT supposed to mean?" Heather was tying her head up in her seat belt. "I don't knoww! And if you don't watch the road, I'm going to get to put a fourth little mark on the door." Sarah turned her head back to face the road.

Rand was still bouncing, even though he was now tied up. The ropes tied tight across his bladder was making the pressure almost unbearable, which only made him bounce harder, which was beginning to make the van rock. Heather had turned to face him, and unwound a seatbelt from around her head. Those two had odd hobbies. "Rand, WHY do you find it necessary to intermittently make the van take up BOTH lanes?" Rand searched his brain for an intelligent response. Heather was still staring at him. What could he tell her? He knew if he made them stop one more time, she'd probably cut off the circulation to his...well, some important part of him, anyway. Which part WAS most important? Well, his feet were pretty important, but then again, there were his hands, not to mention his-

"RAND! Hellooo? EARTH TO RAND! Did I mention you have a ten minute time limit?"

"That you did not." 

Heather's brows lowered. "Well?"

"Well what?"

Heather sighed patiently, then ruined it by screeching "WHAT IN GOD'S NAME ARE YOU DOING YOU FREAK?!?"

He wished she wouldn't yell at him so much, it made him feel unloved. "I haf to potty" Curses! He wasn't supposed to tell. Heather responded by tilting her head and smiling pleasantly. "Oh, that's it?" She then reached down and ripped out the brake cable and crammed the pointy end in his eye. The other she tied to Loial's foot. That really hurt. Reconsidering, he supposed his eye was pretty important too.

Heather leaned back in her seat and wiped her hand on her Bad Kitty shirt, still staring toward the back. "Did...didn't we just liquefy Loial?" Heather and Sarah turned to regard each other, then turned back toward the road, both of them silent. 

"I really wish you wouldn't do that."

__

Tug tug. "You mean _this_?" _tug tug tug_

"Owie owie owie!" 

"AVIENDHA! Stop tugging on Rand's eye string!" Aviendha twisted to peer up at Heather. "I'm not tugging on his eye string, I'm tightening the ropes around his torso." She snickered evilly, then turned to commence torturing Rand, who looked as if he was going to break in half, or explode wetly. Heather was rooting for breaking in half. Though hopefully not too soon, she was enjoying watching Rand's eyes water. 'Though,' she thought, 'this time you don't have Fain's breeches to sop up a mess. You'll have to persuade someone to clean it up, and I don't think you want to risk it.'

"Hmmm," she said out loud, "well, I'd stop to let you excrete someplace, but, as you may have noticed, I've ripped the brake cable out."

"I noticed," Rand said petulantly.

Heather pondered this for a moment, then dug about in the glove compartment, and handed a sheaf of papers to Rand. "Here, read this, it'll take your mind off it."

Puddle on the carpet. Puddle on the carpet. Puddle

on the carpet. Puddle on the carpet. Puddle on the

carpet. Puddle on the carpet. Puddle on the carpet. 

Puddle on the carpet. Puddle on the carpet. Puddle

on the carpet. Puddle on the carpet. Puddle on the

carpet. Puddle on the carpet. Puddle on the carpet. 

Puddle on the carpet. Communist Puddle on the carpet.

Puddle on the carpet. Puddle on the carpet. Puddle

on the carpet. Puddle on the carpet. Puddle on the

carpet. Puddle on the carpet. Puddle on the carpet. 

Puddle on the carpet. Puddle on the carpet. Puddle

on the carpet. Puddle on the carpet. Puddle on the

carpet. Puddle on the carpet. Puddle on the carpet. 

Puddle on the carpet. Puddle on the carpet. Puddle

on the carpet. Puddle on the carpet. Puddle on the

carpet. Puddle on the carpet. Puddle on the carpet. 

Puddle on the carpet. Puddle on the carpet. Puddle

on the carpet. Puddle on the carpet. Puddle on the

carpet. Puddle on the carpet. Puddle on the carpet. 

Puddle on the carpet. Puddle on the carpet. Puddle

on the carpet. Puddle on the carpet. Puddle on the

carpet. Puddle on the carpet. Puddle on the carpet. 

Puddle on the carpet. Puddle on the carpet. Puddle

on the carpet. Puddle on the carpet. Puddle on the

carpet. Puddle on the carpet. Puddle on the carpet. 

Puddle on the carpet. Puddle on the carpet. Puddle

on the carpet. Puddle on the carpet. EEEK! Heather!

Naughty naughty no no!! Puddles are bad and your

fingertips are moldy because the puddle on the carpet

tainted them because it's all part of a huge

Manchurian Communist Vietnamese conspiracy to cover up

wild, passionate, drunken, titillating, Communist

copulation with Michael Communist Jackson's nose and

Monica Lewinsky and a half-empty bottle of Pantene

Pro-V and a used Communist sanitary napkin found in

the back of Fred's Communist Beer House!!! Beer beer

beer house mouse louse lice scalp scalp cells

Communist scalp cells!! Cells, bells, knells, knees,

Communism... WHAT ARE YOU THINKING!? The Mexicans in

the walls are not stalking you!!!!! They just want to

join in the Communist fun you have and they want you

to convert to the Communist cult of the half-chewed

guano-flavored "bubble gum!" You know you want guano.

Guano wants you. The rabid Communist Smurfs Smurfs

Smurfs Smurfs Smurfs Smurfs Smurfs Smurfs Smurfs

Smurfs Smurfs Smurfs Smurfs Smurfs Smurfs Smurfs

Smurfs Smurfs Smurfs Smurfs Smurfs Smurfs Smurfs

Smurfs Smurfs Smurfs Smurfs Smurfs Smurfs Smurfs

Smurfs Smurfs Smurfs Smurfs Smurfs Smurfs Smurfs

Smurfs Smurfs Smurfs Smurfs Smurfs Smurfs Smurfs

Smurfs Smurfs Smurfs Smurfs Smurfs Smurfs Smurfs

Smurfs Smurfs Smurfs Smurfs Smurfs Smurfs Smurfs

Smurfs Smurfs Communist Smurfs Smurfs Smurfs Smurfs

Smurfs Smurfs Smurfs Smurfs Smurfs Smurfs Smurfs

Smurfs Smurfs Smurfs Smurfs Smurfs Smurfs Smurfs

Smurfs Smurfs Smurfs Smurfs Smurfs Smurfs Smurfs

Smurfs Smurfs Smurfs Smurfs Smurfs Smurfs Smurfs

Smurfs Smurfs Smurfs Smurfs Smurfs Smurfs Smurfs

Smurfs Smurfs Smurfs Smurfs Smurfs Smurfs Smurfs

Smurfs Smurfs Smurfs Communist Smurfs Smurfs Smurfs

Smurfs Smurfs Smurfs Smurfs Smurfs Smurfs Smurfs

Smurfs Smurfs Smurfs Smurfs Smurfs Smurfs Smurfs

Smurfs Smurfs Smurfs Smurfs Smurfs Smurfs Smurfs

Smurfs Smurfs Smurfs Smurfs Smurfs Smurfs Smurfs

Smurfs Smurfs Smurfs Smurfs Smurfs Smurfs Smurfs

Smurfs Smurfs Smurfs Smurfs Smurfs Smurfs Smurfs

Smurfs Smurfs Smurfs Smurfs will promptly dance and

sing Communist songs while their voluptuous Communist

bodies fall out of their tight-fitting Communist

bodices because they know your fingertips are

tAiNtEd!! The Communist "Mexicans" in "the walls"

left the "puddle on the carpet." They refuse to

un-urinate the puddles because they are

COMMUNISTS!!!!!!!!!!!!

WCOMMUNISThat is the mCOMMUNISToral oCOMMUNISTf

today's leCOMMUNISTsson?

The moral is....: Don't hold in your urine because if

you hold in your Communist urine, it will START

POURING OUT OF YOUR EARS AND IT WILL TAKE LOOONGER TO

FORM A PUDDLE ON THE CARPET!!! DO NOT IMPEDE THE

EXCRETORY

PROCESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!COMMIES!!AGGHTHEYAREKILLINGMETHEYATEMYBLACKJACKETANDTHEREDPIECEOFCHEESEWAXONTHECOUNTERAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUGHGHHHHHHHHHAAAAGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyway, Heather, how do you feel about the current

sanitary conditions of public restrooms everywhere? 

Do you, in fact, see the metaphorical "puddle on the

carpet?" The "puddle," which symbolizes the futility

of restraining one's inner voice? Can you "see" the

forlorn, angst-ridden yellow "sorrow" in the "puddle's

eyes?" Does the "puddle" flood the "restroom floor,"

the carefully tiled "mosaic of helplessness?" I think

you can. You need to open your eyes. You need to

TAKE IN THE PUDDLE. Through absorption or a plastic

straw... the means justify the ends. Be strong, my friend.

Love, Morgan

Rand exploded wetly.

"Ew," remarked Heather observationally.

In the back, Nynaeve sat kicking her foot idly, which just happened to be connecting with Elaida's shin idly, even though she was in another part of the van. She peered out the windows at the advertisements, the pathetic, desperate little ads on billboards, posted in hopes a sense of morbid curiosity might lure a paying customer. "Bob's scenic bug rides," she read aloud, "Marty's meat-treatment, fun for the whole family. Little Jen's gofer toss. Bug's scenic Bob rides. Ew. Sissy Bigger's 'world-famous waste-treatment' tour, please reserve tickets at the door. Bohqweesha's b-BWAUUUGH!!!" She was interrupted by Lan inadvertently stepping on her diaphragm while pressing his body against the window. "WHERE?!?" he screeched. "Nyuurgh," Nynaeve said feebly, pointing, "right there. And how DARE YOU!!" She proceeded to tape a wailing Lan's eyelids to his less observant neighbor's ears. Rand was still bobbing up and down, and with each jerk of his eyelids, Lan squeaked. This drew Heather's attention.

"Oh my, that's fairly interesting," she said conversationally. 

"Thank you," Nynaeve said proudly. Heather shifted to get a better view of what Nynaeve was doing. "Oh, that too, but I was originally referring to the ad. I think we all need a break and a death count, don't you?" The last was directed at Sarah, who had somehow managed to get back into the driver's seat.

"Yes." she said. Following the directions, Sarah turned off at the appropriate exit, and they stopped in front of a rather foreboding gun-metal gray building with a sign stylized after the one Nynaeve had seen on the road, with the exception that this one had a small arrow pointing to the door to aid the exceedingly dim. Heather took the opportunity to do a head count. 

"Let's see...we have Aviendha, Thom, Rand, after a fashion, Loial, Elaida, the Whitecloak, Egwene, Lan, Nynaeve, Elayne, Min, Perrin , Lanfear...where's Lanfear? Oh well, she's not incredibly important anyw-oh, um, there she is." Lanfear whimpered gently. "Riiiight. Anyway, we lost Aran-gar, Osan-gar, Pocket, Pip, Padan Fain, and Ajax. Oh well, let's go in!" They advanced as one into the unsuspecting building.


	4. Lightnings

****

Lightnings 

(As in more than one)

They walked into a dimly lit hallway with a service desk bearing a small sign that read "Be back in five minutes". Rand tilted his head back and wailed pitifully, drawing a curious face from a doorway. Upon realizing that the moans came from paying customers, the head disappeared and reappeared attached to a body. It was to this body Heather addressed herself.

"Hi, we were going to Randland and we thought we might stop here, and did. I guess the rest is up to you."

The body, Heather noticed, was one of the womanly type, with breasts and all, which the body did the utmost to call attention to by small studded arrows pointing in the general direction of an impressive amount of cleavage, to aid the exceedingly dim. Impressive meaning large, by all means not beautiful, but this wasn't enough not to draw both of Rand's eyes, upon which their foundation was promptly smacked from the rear by a marauding appendage. He turned to regard his attacker, opening his mouth for a (he hoped) chidingly witty remark that would singe maidenly ears. The words he had prepared died in his mouth when faced with Heather's wrath-filled blue eyes. He spit their little corpses out, and smiled sheepishly at her.

"Uh....nice little arrows."

Heather smacked him in response, and grabbed his ear, pulling him close. "Much as I would like to say I did that to cause you pain," Rand opened his mouth, "to CAUSE you PAIN!" Rand howled in agreement. "I did it because you now have three potential homicidal maniacs after either the wench's or your head." Min, Aviendha, and Elayne stood frothing in the corner. Rand opened his mouth again. "And not in a pleasantly sensuous way, either!" Rand closed his mouth and meekly cast his eyes upon the floor. Heather sighed, and turned back to their tour guide.

"I take it you are Sissy Biggers?"

Cleavage wench smiled, nodded, and said "No, it's my cat." Heather eyed her carefully. "Beg'm pardon?" Sissy Biggers gave her world-famous smile. "My kitty litter is Arm&Hammer! Yummy fresh-and-clean!" Heather gave her an appropriately level look, and turned back to Rand, kicking him in the shin. "And I do NOT have maidenly ears!" Rand reeled in pain. He had not realized he had spoken any of his thought aloud. Sometimes his mouth decided to work without him.

Heather sighed, and turned to Sarah. 

"You're starting to do that a lot," Sarah observed. Heather sighed again and said "Yes, I know." Sarah patted on her shoulder comfortingly, then handed her back her seat belt, which she used to wrap her head in. Sarah took over.

"HOLY MOTHER OF ALL THAT IS SACRED!!!" Sarah clutched her chest, gasping, and spoke a bit more calmly, in her most authoritative voice. "Pocket, PIP!" The walls trembled. She toned her voice down a bit. "What in GOD'S name are you doing here?"

Pocket removed his head from Pip's coat and regarded Sarah stupidly. "Why, darling! We just-GHAAAAUUUUUGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!" He was interrupted by Sarah wrapping her hands around his throat and pounding his head against the wall. Her hands instantly sprang away and she backed off, still watching Pocket, and held them under the water fountain. "Don't ever call me that again or I'll use something that isn't afraid of touching your diseased little epidermis." Pip giggled, turned to Pocket and said. "Oh yes, little darling, little Handel, she has the right of it, little indeed! Hee hee! Oh, but I hope our private life, which for the sake of the expression is private, verbally and rightfully so, or thus the comment would be lacking, the presence of course which would not be missed, is by my so unwittingly bringing it to subject, by means of a recent comment, does not offend you, that by bringing to light that which should be between only the securest of companions, of which I trust we are-"

"Oh indeed!"

"And thus I had ascertained, by the flights of fancy we so extravagantly brought to be, more so by my dear Handel himself's imagination and my social bonds to several well-endowed members of the carpentry profession-"

"Oh, quite right!"

-Did prove with such interesting and excitingly dull feats we did perform on each other's b-"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Sarah ripped out little fistfuls of Loial's hair and stuffed them in both Pocket's and Pip's mouths, then turned to regard the owner of the shriek. Sarah's face lit up. "Lews Therin!" Lews Therin's face lit up, and he ran to Sarah. "Darling!" Sarah dodged, and Lews Therin emphatically embraced a now half-bald Loial, who imitated Lews Therin's shriek. Lews Therin then emphatically vomited on Loial, to which Heather remarked "ew", now that she had been drawn out of her seatbelt-induced privacy by Lews Therin's anguish. She smiled at him, and he smiled back. "Hey Lewser, my old Welch tart, weird to see you, why you shriekin?"

Lews Therin rubbed his bottom, and peered at Sarah hopefully. Sarah gave him a murderous look, and he hurried on. "Ah, Aviendha speared Rand's backside." Sarah was sufficiently pleased with this remark, and Heather's attention was captured elsewhere, as both Pocket and Pip were trying to cough up their hairballs. "You had better plug them with something," she remarked.

"Yes I think you'd better had," Loial said with a wide grin. Heather calmly kicked him through the wall. Sissy Biggers patiently stood by wringing her hands. "Uh.........................................."

"Continue," Heather said kindly.

"Uh........................... Oh yes! Money?"

"Why thank you!" Heather said brightly, and helped herself the safe in the vending machine. 

"Oh...I...don't....think....-"

"Yes, we gathered," said Elayne helpfully.

"-that's....what I meant."

Heather started. "Oh! You mean _you_ want money? Oh, of course. How much?"

Sissy smiled, finally getting the response she wanted. "$5.00 a person."

Heather cheerfully handed over the money from the vending machine, and led the group to the bowels of the plant, after tying Pocket and Pip each to either of Sissy's breasts, which she knew they were too much of 'gentlemen' to touch. The group had split itself into two groups, each one eyeing the other distastefully. In one group was the Emond's Fielders, and all of their acquired associates, and the other consisted of a varying degree of no-goodnicks. Heather did a quick head count, then slowed and repeated the process. "Where are Moiraine and Thom?"

Nynaeve answered. "Thom said something about 'stiff' and hobbled off. Moiraine followed. We _thought_ he was talking about his leg."

"Goody, more forbidden nookie. Hey, everyone fall in love with everyone else! Half the characters already are! The next person or persons I see nookie-ing, I am personally going to put them in the vat."

"Vat?" Lews Therin said wistfully, then broke into uncontrollably silent laughter.

"Yes, vat!" said Sissy, walking up. "These vats were built by old miners late in the late 1800's, somewhere in the late 19th century..." Sissy continued ignorantly along as she led the group on the scheduled tour.

Lews Therin lagged behind, and so consequently did Rand. And as a matter of course, Min, Aviendha, and Elayne followed him. Lews Therin giggled at Elayne, over there looking at him, her eyes clear pools, her curls the color of carrots. "I wonder if they taste like carrots too," he wondered aloud. Now everyone was looking at him, Elayne warily, Rand, Min, and Aviendha suspiciously. The fools. They couldn't possibly follow his thought patterns. At times, not even he could. He peered intently at Elayne's hair, hoping the taste would filter through to him by osmosis. He didn't see the soda machine and smacked into it, breaking Rand's nose. He wailed in pain, not his of course, and Rand, who had been floating in the Void, didn't care much, but Lews Therin's wail had broken his concentration and filaments of pain spiderwebbed across his brain, making him moan. Min moaned back, and Lews Therin began singing "Hot Stuff". Rand screamed and flailed about his head, trying to dislodge Lews Therin. Rand fell to his knees and began shuffling towards the front

Heather looked behind her, only to see Rand fast approaching in a sort of crab-like movement she supposed was to induce sympathy. She knelt down to put herself face to face with Rand, who recoiled slightly. "What?"

Rand swallowed. "Um...."

"No."

"But you don't even-!"

"No."

"No you don't know, or no you won't-"

"No."

"O...K"

"No."

"Um...."

"I said no."

"Yes I heard, but-"

"No."

"Yes I DID, but-"

"No."

"Oh."

"No. And the 'o' is silent!"

Heather kicked Rand in the head, producing two thin wails, and turned back to Sarah, who was walking backwards in order to see when Sissy would notice that she was talking to the back of Sarah's head. They shared a look, then Sarah gave a screech and fell over, with Lews Therin wrapped around her legs. "Yes?"

"No," came Heather's helpful comment.

"Shut up Heather, what do you want Lewser?"

"Rand asked me to ask you to ask Heather to ask me if it's OK if I can have a body for my very very own so I won't have to share his girlfriends with me please?"

"You'll have to ask Rand to ask me to ask Heather to ask you to ask Rand to kick himself in the head, because that's Heather's department, I'm just here for the scenic atmosphere, she's the head cheese, the Big Honcho, and in charge of limb distribution."

"Oh. Ok." 

"No," came Heather from over on the far left of the group, where the Myrddraal was located. Lews Therin hung his head dejectedly and slunk to the back of the group once again.

The Myrddraal smelled a presence in the air, and turned, putting himself face to face with a face (hah haaaaah). He gave a small start, and opened his mouth questioningly. "No," Heather said cheerfully. A Sprite sailed gracefully through the air to make contact with the back of Heather's head. "Stop that!" came Sarah's voice. The Myrddraal snickered, and Heather whirled to challenge him, her eyes blazing. "Aiiiiieeek! AAAh! UM! Um! I have to....go..."

"To the bathroom?" Heather suggested helpfully.

"Uh....yes. Please?"

Heather was too busy setting the Myrddaal's greasy little head on fire to respond. He shrieked and ran laps around the group, hoping the extra oxygen generated by his sprint would help smother the flames. Lews Therin tripped him casually, and Loial slowly made his way toward where the Myrddraal's maimed body lay. Heather snickered back at the Myrddraal, then promptly forgot about him and returned to her spot at the front of the group. Sissy was still talking to the back of Sarah's head.

"...must have been, like, _sooo_ heavy! I mean, like, the blocks of stone _alone_ would have been a burden to carry up, so they wouldn't have wanted to..."

Heather's attention trailed. "Puddle on the carpet, puddle on the carpet, puddle on the carpet, puddle on the carpet, puddle on the carpet, puddle on the carpet, puddle on the carpet, puddle on the carpet, puddle on the carpet, puddle on the carpet, puddle on the carpet, puddle on the carpet," Heather chanted happily and quite madly. Sarah opened a Sprite, poured the contents out onto the floor, and chucked the can at Heather, who responded with "bite me", which several of the characters would have been happy to oblige to do had it been anyone else. Heather's chant reached a higher octave, and Sissy Biggers shook herself slightly and looked around.

"Hey, you're not really listening, are you?"

No one responded, since no one was listening.

"Fine then, I might as well throw myself out a window for all you people care."

She looked around hopefully, hoping someone would disagree . She sighed, producing a shrill giggle from Rand, and continued with her solitary dialogue. "No one...hey, what's that smell?" The Myrddraal, sensing someone actually cared about his well being, ran straight toward Sissy Biggers, hoping to smother his head in her tremendous bosom to counteract Loial trying to sooth his burns by licking them. He missed, and collided with Sarah. They fell into a little two-person heap atop the multi-colored floor tiles, or rather a one person/ Myrddraal heap. He decided Sarah's bosom would do for soothing, and buried his head in it. 

Heather hummed contentedly along, just behind Lan and Nynaeve, silently slipping from shadow to shadow, in order to eavesdrop on their obviously very private conversation.

"Lan, you ARE an idiot. Of course you're going to get a rash if you don't cure the leather first." Lan silently shook his head, which caused Nynaeve to lower her brows and her voice to a dangerous pitch. "Are you disagreeing with me?" Lan beamed eagerly at her. "I love it when you talk dirty to me," he beamed. A confused look passed across Nynaeve's face. She spun to kick him in the head, and he went down in a crumpled heap, then bounded back up almost immediately. _I think he enjoys that. Damn masochist. _ Heather ignored the thought, and crept a bit closer. Nynaeve sighed and put a deathgrip on her braid. "I WILL NOT GET MAD AT YOU!" she yowled, then tried to look meek. Lan backed up a few steps, but Nynaeve hauled him back. "Sometimes I think you're not all there, darling." A smoky look entered her eyes, but she waved away the joint Lan was trying to offer her. He shrugged, and flicked it at Lanfear. She picked it up and peered at it curiously, and was tackled by Padan Fain. Lan turned to Nynaeve with a dirty grin. "Want a poking?" 

Nynaeve gagged and stumbled so hard she skidded a few feet. She picked herself up, dazed, and then howled with laughter. Lan felt rather put-down, and sniffled pitifully. Nynaeve snorted with laugher she was trying to conceal, and pointed a shaky finger toward the front, where the Myrddraal had just tackled Sarah. Heather tilted her head thoughtfully, wondering what Sarah was going to do to him, when the Myrddraal buried his face in her chest. Sarah eyes widened, and she screeched, trying to pry him off while trying not to touch him, the result being she didn't make much progress. Heather wondered desperately what to do, then decided Sarah could take care of herself.

Sarah pulled her blow-torch out and burned the Myrddraal's arms off, then stood up, the Myrddraal sliding down to the ground. He stared up at her. "Yes, I DO have a death-wish," he said to forestall her. 

"Actually, I was going to ask, regular or extra-crisy?" He looked slightly poleaxed, and opened his mouth.

"-" 

"Extra-crisy it is!" Sarah fried his lips off, then drop-kicked him into a vat of acid. She then turned the blowtorch on herself to sterilize where he had touched her. Nynaeve giggled helplessly, and Sarah calmly walked over and stapled her to the ceiling. Heather giggled, and Sarah wailed and threw herself at her. "Purify meeeee!" Heather annihilated her, and brought her back, good as new. Sarah grinned thankfully at her, and skipped back to the front.

Heather turned to face Lan, who knew he was going to get whomped on for his suggestion to Nynaeve, and hurriedly stapled himself to the ceiling. Heather nodded satisfactorily, then stalked to the front, tugging on her tiny excuse for a braid. She heard a growl from the ceiling, and tilted her head to regard Lan. He waggled his eyebrows at her, and she decided how he was going to die. She puttered over to Faile, and grinned condescendingly at her. Faile raised her eyebrows questioningly.

"Faile, will you whine Lan to death?"

She smiled, and Heather stapled her to the ceiling. A piercing wail came from the ceiling, and Lan began to groan.

_I'm getting rather bored_, Heather thought. She thought of several ways she could spice things up. Her amusing thoughts were interrupted by a tugging on her braid. She peered over her shoulder at Aviendha, who was the only female she had even a semblance of liking. "Yews?" Aviendha pointed toward the vat of acid, and Heather sighed when she saw the Myrddraal peeking out. "Oh yes, that's right, he doesn't die." She raised her voice. "Yes, you can come out now!" The Myrddraal slid down the side of the vat, and Nynaeve gave a screech twin to Lan's. Heather regarded the Myrddraal's pale body where his cloak had been dissolved away by the acid, and shuddered at the yellow thong he had favored this day. She wondered whether it would only make it worse to ask him to take it off, but she was relieved of this decision by the sound of ripping fabric as Nynaeve's dress gave way under her considerable weight. She plummeted to where the Myrddraal stood, crushing him on impact. He made a thin mewling sound, and Nynaeve jammed her heel into his eye. "Shut up." In the back of the group, Lews Therin began singing the thong song, and Rand began pleading for him to stop. _I wonder how Nynaeve managed to jam her heel into his eye if he doesn't have any, _Heather thought.

"You're very talented," she told Nynaeve, who eyed her nervously, since she had no idea what Heather was talking about. Heather decided she would abandon her pursuit of interesting things to do, and decided instead to pursue her reading. She pulled out _The Big Book of Evil Things to do to the Reasonably and Terminally Sane_ and began reading The group segregated itself again, and they continued further into the plant.

"And, like, they founded, like, this _place_," Sissy Biggers continued on in a fake valley-girl accent, "and like, the communists took over and started a fascist state in which they immortalized Bob Camden in a wall, uh, that is to say, there was this _dude..."_

Heather stared at her suspiciously. There was something about that speech...Heather walked to Rand and steered him over to position him in front of Sissy. He inhaled sharply and exploded.

"Cool," Heather said.

Elayne growled deep in her throat, but Aviendha was more direct, pulling out her spear and lunging at Sissy. She jammed her spear into Sissy's chest, but it repelled it and bounced off, hitting Elaida in the head. Sissy smiled infuriatingly at Aviendha, and Heather walked back behind her, and snapped her bra strap.

She jumped. "Hey!"

"Hello Morgan, is this your summer job?"

"Why yes it is," Morgan replied, grinning from behind her Maybelline-plastered lips.

"I didn't recognize you with makeup on," Heather said quite obviously. "And the blonde hair didn't help either."

"Yes, I am in disguise," Morgan said even more obviously.

"Ah, that's nice," Heather said less obviously, and peered around her. "Well, I guess that means the tour is over.

"I guess it does."

"Sarah's been molested by the Myrddraal," Rand piped up helpfully, then exploded when he saw Morgan looking at him.

Heather observed this thoughtfully. "Hmmm, you're very talented. Perhaps you will have better luck with keeping the peace-"

"Piece"

"Shut up Lan! Peace, than Sarah is having. Scenic atmosphere isn't very intimidating."

"Hmmm, but what about my job here? I have spy cameras and I'm hoping one day I'll catch someone trying to photocopy their face or something on tape so I can blackmail them with it."

"It pays good...uh...wafers."

"Fine then. I suppose you have room for me, then?"

"Probably. Hey, do you know where Padan Fain went?"

"No."

"Oh. Oh well. Hey, do you know Pocket and Pip are tied to your breasts?"

Morgan grinned sadistically. "Yes." Both Pocket and Pip's hands were creeping closer, then darting back periodically, according to the schedule they had written up just for the occasion. Morgan went off to the back to change out of her dress, dragging Pocket and Pip behind her. Heather turned back to the horrified groups and addressed those who were conscious

"Guess who's joining us!"

"Uh," Rand started, "the chick with the rack?"

A lone bowling shoe zipped from the back room and smacked the back of Rand's head, causing him to explode on contact. Heather observed how much more effective that was than a lighter.

"Come! We go! Does anyone need anything before we leave?" Both Sarah and the Myrddraal opened their mouths at the same time. Since Sarah had the aide of lips, she got out the words first. "I'm going to the bathroom."

"Me too," exclaimed both the Myrddraal and Lews Therin, who had been formerly engaged in a staring contest and had missed the announcement that Morgan was coming with them. Heather acquiesced, and they made their way to a set of black doors bearing blue signs with white drawings, showing which rooms were designated for which sex, and a smaller one specifying what you were supposed to do in them to aide the exceedingly dim. Heather turned to Morgan, who had just emerged from the back room clad in a pair of black jeans and a black jacket with a pair of purple and black shoes which got an approving look from Lan, from where he was stationed on the ceiling.

"You must get a flow of exceedingly dim people through here." Heather noted that both Pocket and Pip were missing, and inquired where they went

"I put them in my desk drawer and jammed it closed with a post-it note neither of them is strong enough to remove." She smiled maniacally at Heather, then turned and smiled maniacally at Lanfear, who gave a start at the unexpected attention. She smiled back, beautiful enough to make Heather's teeth hurt, and Morgan gave her her patented Dead Cow look, the force of which pushed Lanfear back a couple steps. She hurried to the back of the group, giving Morgan hunted looks from over Moiraine's shoulder, who in turn was giving Lanfear murderous looks from over hers. Heather giggled gently, then tapped her foot, waiting for everyone to finish whatever it was they were doing.

Lews Therin pushed the door with the little male stick figure on it, and went inside, followed by the Myrddraal. He stood side by side with him, both eyeing the row of urinals uncertainly. The Myrddraal turned to him, chuckling uneasily. 

"Uh, heh heh, enjoy yourself, I'll wait."

"No," he replied, "you go first." 

"No...that's alright"

"No, it isn't."

"_Yes, _ it _is"_

"NO IT ISN'T!"

"DIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!"

Lews Therin ripped one of the urinals out and ran toward the Myrddraal, who filled his hands with pink bathroom soap and tossed it in Lews Therin's eyes.

Out in the hallway, Rand screeched and clapped his hands over his face.

The Myrddraal frowned menacingly in what he thought was Lews Therin's direction, and rushed him, both hands outstretched.

Lews Therin watched in amusement as the Myrddraal grappled with a plunger stuck to the side of a toilet bowl. He grinned triumphantly, walked over to the remaining urinals, and proceeded to use them. Apparently, both had forgotten that it was the right to go _second_ that they were fighting over.

Out in the hallway, Rand's face went crimson and he grabbed himself, darting into the men's room, howling. Perrin's howls pursued him. Lan waggled his eyebrows from his perch on the ceiling. "He musta been bored."

Heather lowered her eyebrows and slowly turned to face Lan, tilting her head back to do it. An evil smile broke out across her face as she pulled out an electric razor and casually vaulted herself up next to the Warder, shaving his eyebrows off as she descended again. Nynaeve scowled darkly at Heather, then turned back to her husband and sighed, trying not to giggle as she did so. Lan gave her a chastised look and feebly tried to waggle his forehead bumps at her. Heather didn't even try to conceal her giggles. She heard echoing giggles from in the men's room.

__

Oh God, the Myrddraal, Rand, and Lews Therin, all holed up in a bathroom together, and giggling. Heather shook her head. _Did I just use the expression 'holed'?_ Heather decided she should perhaps, against her better judgement, go inquire as to what in God's name it was exactly that they were doing. She moonwalked over to the men's room, and reached out her hand to shove open the door. She was stopped by a woman screaming. She spun slowly to face the Whitecloak, one hand clutched to his chest and the other thrust out toward her. "You can't go IN there! Don't you see the SIGN?!?"

Heather peered at the sign, then moved her head closer so her nose was just inches away from it, then moved her head back, peering from the Whitecloak to the sign and back again. She smiled. Her face was beginning to ache from all the maniacal grinning that was going on, but she just had to, under the circumstances.

"Well," she said loudly, grabbing the Whitecloak by his white cloak, "I guess YOU'LL just have to traverse to the other side and break up whatever they're doing then, won't you?" she said, and shoved him in, the door swinging shut on all three parties in question gathered in a heap, squeezing something wet looking on a pile of sculpted toilet paper. Heather started to dust her hands off purposefully, then realized the Whitecloak probably didn't have a speck of the stuff on him to dust off. She bent instead to scrub her hands across Min, and, her hands feeling sufficiently dirty, dusted them off purposefully. Min scowled at Heather, and casually placed her hands on her hips and swayed over in the general direction of the ladies room, making the announcement she meant to go in.

Heather waved her away, and turned to Sarah, who was staring intently at the soda machine. She was about to partake in the festivities but was interrupted by the Whitecloak sailing out the men's room door to make contact with the opposite wall. Rand and the Myrddraal sauntered out; Lews Therin strutted. Rand was clutching something that oozed down the front of his shirt. He held it out to Heather. "We were going to make this a voodoo doll of you, but then the fruit came in-"

"I thought they were restrained by a post-it." Heather interrupted.

"No, the Whitecloak came in, and tried to persuade us to turn to the Light, which I suppose was being generated by his ass since he immediately turned around and dropped his pants in order to use the urinals, so we altered it slightly-" a dangerous light entered Heather's eyes, -"uh, that is, we made a few _drastic_ changes and sculpted instead this voodoo whitecloak. See, it's made out of toothpaste and toilet paper, so it really is white!" Rand beamed proudly, then swallowed heavily and added, "Well, Lews Therin kind of...um...trimmed him down." Lews Therin grinned a blindingly white smile. 

Heather tilted her head. "I don't get it."

Lews Therin continued to grin. "I un-holied the holy man."

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLL RIGHT! LET'S MOOOOOVE IT OUT!" Heather yelled at the top of her lungs, making everyone jump and several pass out. Heather gathered everyone in a tight-knit group and ordered them to sneak out commando style. They slunk toward the front. Lews Therin managed to strut. Light was beginning to filter through five bottle-green windows set fifty feet up the merciless gray walls. Heather stayed at the back of the group, making sure they didn't straggle. She paused at the door of the back office to giggle at the pathetic wailing coming from Pip's and Pocket's combined efforts to remove the post-it and push the drawer open. Heather hassled everyone inside the van, with Morgan driving and Sarah in the passenger's seat. Heather stationed herself next to the Myrddraal, in the far back. She turned, smiling, to regard his tortured face. "Hi." He grinned unsteadily back

"Uh, hi."

"Hi"

"Hi"

"Hi"

"Hi"

"Hello there"

"Hello yourself."

"Well hi"

"Hi"

"Hi"

"Hi"

Heather smacked the Myrddraal in the face. "Don't copy me."

"Fine."

"Say 'oh'."

"No!"

"Why?"

"Because you'll hit me and say 'The 'o' is silent' and it'll hurt!"

Heather grinned and smacked the Myrddraal in the back of the head. "Yes I will. And the 'o' IS silent!" Heather shoved her combat boot rather forcefully in the Myrddraal's face, seriously impeding his sense of smell. He made a thin mewling noise, and Heather pressed harder until he made a thick mewling noise, then nearly crawled back to the front before realizing that Morgan was now driving.

She sighed. "Oh well, just as good since Sarah's in the passenger's seat." 

The Myrddraal grinned weakly back. Heather beamed at him. "Wanna play Parcheesi?" 

"Uh...I don't know how."

"That's ok, I don't even know what it is."

The Myrddraal's grin faltered slightly, then gained strength. "Wanna play road bingo?"

Heather stared suspiciously at him for a moment, then smiled and agreed. The Myrddraal smiled happily back.

Morgan glanced in the rear-view mirror, and caught Rand's eye. She grinned widely at him, since it seemed to be THE thing to do, unzipped her jacket so her striped T-shirt was showing, and shifted so he had a clear view of her breasts. He inhaled sharply and exploded. 

"Aauuugh!!!" Thom shook his head disgustedly and stared accusingly at Morgan, who smiled and waved a video tape at him.

"I know what you and Moiraine were doing. And you'll have to give me 2,000 pounds to keep me from revealing your names, the names of the three other people involved, the youth organization to which they belong, and the shop where you bought the equipment."

Thom scowled stubbornly at her, and said "Thom and Moiraine, Loial Elaida and Magwich, _Boys Girls and Other Club_, and TG&Y."

Morgan turned and chucked the tape at his head, where it stuck.

Sarah had purchased a can of soda, and was peering intently at it. Morgan raised an eyebrow questioningly. Sarah continued to peer at the soda can, and Morgan realized she'd have to make some sort of noise or morph into a soda can to get Sarah's attention, so she opened her mouth peremptorily-

"GOAT!!"

Morgan, trying to avoid squishing the poor beast, swerved off the road violently, into a field, and managed to hit the goat in a pasture she had been trying to avoid squishing back on the road. She turned to regard Heather and the Myrddraal in the back, who had made the cry. The Myrddraal smiled sheepishly.

"Uh...bingo."

"Heather, would you toss the Myrddraal to the front?"

Heather peeked over the seat at Morgan, then raised her head enough for Morgan to see her maniacal grin, and chucked the Myrddraal to the front, where a sharp gasp was followed shortly by the sound of exploding. Heather twisted and peered over the seat toward the front again. "We were playing road bingo."

"Oh. Well, someone had to accompany the poor goat's soul to heaven."

Heather gave her a very level look, and Morgan realized how stupid that sounded, considering it WAS the Myrddraal, and asked for the Whitecloak to be chucked up to the front instead. She threw the Myrddraal back, where he landed on the seat, bouncing happily, and Heather exchanged him for a Whitecloak. 

Morgan stared at the frightened Whitecloak for a moment. If she were to flash her breasts at him, he might explode so hard as to take the whole car with him. She bent over and whispered gently in his ear

"Menstruation"

He gave one scandalized gasp before exploding indignantly. Morgan snickered, and Rand peered curiously up toward the front.

"What's that?"

Morgan turned to eyeball him. "What's what?"

"Manstrooation."

Morgan stared disbelievingly at him. "You mean you have three girlfriends and you don't KNOW?"

Rand shook his head stupidly, and peered around the empty seat. "Where is everyone?"

"My you do skip ar-HOLY MOTHER OF ALL THAT ISN'T! Heather!"

Heather peeked unintelligently over the seat. "Yews?"

Morgan fought to keep a grin off her face. "We left Lan and Faile stapled to the ceiling, and Pocket and Pip are still in the drawer, and Min is still in the ladies room," she made a guilty pause, "which I took the liberty of locking. Ahem." Rand peered around speculatively, and, realizing Min was indeed missing, shot an accusatory look at Morgan, who shot him a hard look in turn. Rand gave her a hard look back, though coming from Rand...Morgan screamed and swerved the van off the road, got out and dragged Rand out of the van. She stared at him speculatively, and he smiled at her to soften it. It didn't help.

"What he needs is a cold shower," Heather suggested from the open window towards the back of the van. Morgan turned to face Heather, giving her a careful look. "We don't have a shower, do we?" Heather shook her head. "Well..." She looked at Rand, who was grinning, embarrassed, from one person to another. Heather sighed, and her face disappeared from the window. She emerged from the van door and stopped to regard Rand beside Morgan. "Morgan, you go play road bingo with the Myrddraal and I'll take care of Rand. I'm letting him win." she said, jerking her head toward the van. There was an indignant squawk from the Myrddraal, and Heather faced Rand in all his Dragonly glory, which meant he was sitting in a muddy puddle playing with his shirt laces and grinning abashed at the ground.

"Eh," Heather shrugged, and got back into the van and drove off, leaving Rand still grinning at the ground. There was an agonized wail from Elayne, and once again they continued on their long journey.


	5. Hunger

****

Hunger

Heather stared intensely at the road as various degrees of insanity were filtering up toward the front.

"No, cheese comes from birds."

"The captain of the football team. He was my second, too"

"I was a schizophrenic but now we're not"

"Lotion and rubber gloves"

"-have to knead the leather, or just ditch the metal cuffs and get fuzzy ones."

"-shrinks when it gets wet?"

"No, only when it dries."

"Package of unrefined meat! I win!"

"No faaaaiiir! I saw it too! I just have no lips!"

"Too bad, I win."

"Hey! There's no 'package of unrefined meat' on this bingo chart! Heather!!"

Heather peered absently over her shoulder. "Rrrrrmmmmmmhm-mmmmmmmmmmmno.....yes. Huh?"

"Morgan's chea-AAAAAaaaauUUGFFFFFFFFFFF!!!!"

"Morgan's chauffeur?

"NnnnnnGGAAAHH!!!!!!" Something popped wetly, and Heather peered curiously toward the back. Morgan smiled innocently at Heather, who frowned suspiciously. "What was that?" Morgan held something tiny up between her thumb and forefinger. "Knitting needles, some tape, two packets of ketchup, a taser, and voila! Myrddraal brain!" Heather eyed what looked suspiciously like a tater-tot. "Hmmmm, yesindeed. You popped it."

Morgan grinned proudly, then shook her head. "Nope. It popped itself. It's afraid of me."

Heather shrugged and turned to the road, which she was supposed to be watching. The van swerved violently as an explosion rocked the car. She heard a shudder from Morgan, and Sarah turned curiously to inquire what the matter was. Morgan pointed to an empty spot on the seat and said "Elaida popped too." Sarah nodded, then shuddered. "Should've figured."

Morgan nodded also, then a look of horrified speculation spread across her face as she turned to regard Loial as he sat grinning at his pockets. Sarah shook her head and turned her head toward the front. Heather sat staring at the ornament swinging from the rearview mirror, and Sarah went back to her dark study of the soda can. A series of small popping sounds filtered up, then a low rumble. Heather tried to guess what Morgan was doing now, then simply turned and stared at Morgan, who was sitting quite still, studiously observing Loial. She peered at the other occupants of the car. "What is that sound?"

"I'm hungry," Mat said petulantly. Heather ground her teeth, slamming her head against the steering wheel. "Why didn't you get something at the 7-11?"

Mat gave an embarrassed shrug, then sighed and said "Tylin grabbed me and dragged me off to the bathroom." Heather nibbled on the air pressure gauge thoughtfully, then returned it to the glove compartment and studied Sarah where she sat unmoving, gazing at the soda can intensely. "Perhaps we should stop for some fresh air."

"But we just stopped at that Sissy place!" Be'lal protested.

"I said FRESH air," Heather replied, and Be'lal slumped down in his seat, pouting. "Well we're getting _food_!"

Be'lal grinned happily. "Oh, I thought you said we were getting air."

Heather gave him a level look. "No, we're getting both."

"But won't that cause gas?"

"Shut up and suck on something." She proffered the cigarette lighter, and Be'lal took it hesitantly, then crammed it in his mouth. Heather smiled and chuckled silently, then accelerated to ninety and jumped the guardrail, crashing to a stop in the parking lot of an Albertsons and laughing satisfactorily at the resulting choking sound Be'lal made as the lighter was vaulted into the back of his throat. She hopped out the van window and ran to open the sliding door, bowing the brainless Myrddraal out as he toppled from where he had been leaning against the door. He shot her a sufficiently brainless accusatory look and slammed his head back to rest on the pavement, where he was stepped on by the other emerging occupants. Heather addressed the assembled mass.

"Yes, we're going in the store, and no, I'm not going to be keeping an eye on you." this was met by a few feeble cheers, "but you have to behave yourselves. They have security cameras. And no stealing grapes from the fruit stand!" Everyone smiled agreeably, and filtered into the store. Well, most filtered; Lews Therin strutted. The door slid obediently open, and everyone went to their section of interest.

Lanfear stalked petulantly to the canned food section. She was in a foul temper. She, one of the Forsaken, ignored like an underpaid laundry girl. She sighed angrily, and heard an answering giggle from behind her. She turned haughtily to find it's source, and was faced with a very vacant expanse of skin. Though not only vacant for lack of eyes. Whatever expressions Myrddraal managed to achieve, this one had an utter look of stupidity. She wasn't sure how it had managed that, and was too above it to care.

"Begone, Halfman."

"Oh no, baby, I'm AALLLLL man."

She turned once again to regard it, outraged. "I beg your pardon?!?" The idiot just snickered and waggled it's face at her, since it had no eyebrows. The insolence. She embraced the True Source to teach it a lesson, and it deliberately threw itself to the ground and peered up at her from where it lay on it's back, grinning, it seemed to her, suggestively. She gave a low growl and, hiking up her skirts, (prompting a growl from the Myrddraal) jammed her heel in it's eye. It whined nasally, and she turned her back on it to stalk away. She halted at a tone announcing the intercom.

"You're very talented," Heather's voice echoed around the store. Lanfear beamed proudly, then stalked to another aisle

Thom stood next to the bread aisle, trying to decide what he wanted. Lanfear came stalking around a corner, then stopped when she saw him. He smiled at her. "I got a hankerin' for some kumquats," he told her blithely. She gave him an expression that managed to be outraged and stupefied at the same time. She gave a low growl and turned on her heel to stalk away. Thom shrugged dismissively and turned his mind to more important matters. He was staring at Roman Meal whole wheat...that wasn't what he wanted. He must go to the fruit aisle. He smiled, and scanned the signs hanging from the florescent bedecked ceiling in search of the one that read 'fruit'. He walked on, head tilted back.

Lews Therin couldn't stop giggling. He really tried. He clapped his hand over his mouth, but they still filtered out. He sighed, frustrated, while still giggling, the result being sort of a hiccuping noise. He shook his head angrily, and slid over to the stand where an overweight woman was pimping wilted samples of Foster Farms chicken cubes. He grabbed a handful and stuffed some in his mouth to plug it. It seemed to be working,. Suddenly they managed to bubble up out of him, spraying chicken in the face of the woman chicken-pimp, who looked as if she had been in quite a few knife fights. He giggled at her outraged expression, then crammed his fist in his mouth. He still managed to giggle around it. She scowled at him, and reached for something under her dress. That didn't help Lews Therin's giggling. He backed away laughing as she rounded the table and advanced on him. He eyed her hand, big as a ham, clutching a knife he could barely see through the rippling folds of fat nearly encompassing it. He grinned, the effect being missed since his fist happened to be crammed in his face at the time. His hand popped out of his mouth and darted for hers, wrenching the knife away and darting back to pop into Lews Therin's mouth, successfully quelling the giggles. He would have thanked her, but his mouth was full of her fleshy fist. He gave her a thumbs up sign instead. She growled and balled up her other fist. He winced, and clenched his jaw, screwing his eyes shut tight. Nothing happened. He ventured to peek out his slitted eyelids at her smoky expression. She unclenched her fist and stuck her finger in her mouth coyly instead, giggling at him suggestively. He tried to scream around her hand, but she just rolled her eyes up to the ceiling and sighed happily. He grabbed her hand with both of his, trying to wrench it free, but she wrapped her fingers around his uvula and hung on like a badger. He tried to growl menacingly at her, his cheeks puffing out, but she giggled again and leaned forward to kiss the tip of his nose. His eyes bulged, then rolled back in is head as he fainted. The woman gave a disgruntled sigh and dragged him over to a phone installed in the wall. She dialed a number and waited for someone to pick up.

"Yeah, can you connect me to janitorial supplies? Thanks. Hey Bill? This is Bertha. Some guy's stuck to my hand. It's in his mouth. He was sucking on it. Of course I washed them! I think....yeah. Well, I'm just canceling our date tonight. Sorry, you just ain't my type anymore." There were muffled protests from the other end of the line. "You ain't never sucked on my hand, and he chuckles so pretty." The thin thread of noised raised a few octaves. Bertha pursed her lips and spat, addressing the receiver. "You ain't never! Ah, go blow your mop, Bill." She hung up and turned to face a young woman standing next to her cart, who glared at her and wiped her ankle off surreptitiously, leaving a trail of saliva on the back of her calf. She puffed up self-importantly and addressed the air above Bertha's head. "I would like some chicken, my good woman."

"What's your name, girl?"

"Lanfear."

"Lanfear what?"

"I do not have to tell you."

"Well Lanfear Idonothaftotelyou, I ain't your good womyn. I ain't anyone's good womyn. 'Cept mebbe this'un's" she said, gesturing with Lews Therin's head. "Here, welp, suck this," she said, and flung some soggy bits of chicken at Lanfear. One stuck to her face, and she picked off disdainfully and examined it.

"This looks like someone has been chewing on it."

Bertha gestured with Lews Therin and grinned challengingly. "Well it wa'n't this'un. No siree." Lanfear grimaced prettily and tilted her nose in the air. Lews Therin revived himself enough to cram a bit of chicken up it, then passed out again. Lanfear screeched indignantly, and stalked away from Bertha's guffaws. She glanced back, and was treated to the unholy sight of Bertha snuggling Lews Therin into her ample bosooms. She growled disgustedly and stomped off to yet another aisle of the store. She collided midway with Thom, who was walking with his head tilted back, staring at the ceiling. His head whipped down, startled, and frowned at her. 

"Watch where I'm going." She crammed her fist in his eye and stalked around him. He rubbed at his face petulantly, then spied Bertha and Lews Therin. He spun on his heel and hurried purposefully in the other direction, then simply gave up halfway and ran for dear life.

Elayne sauntered down the bread aisle, casually surveying the packaged loafs while watching Aviendha out of the corner of her eye. She loved her like a sister, and had resigned herself to the fact they would have to share Rand, but ever since Heather had left him on the side of the road she had been acting...queer. Not queer as in strange, but queer as in steamy looks and sultry suggestions casually tossed in normal conversation. She recalled the day when Aviendha, just arriving from Caemlyn and Rand, had stripped down in her room and asked Elayne to beat her. She had accepted the explanation that _ji'e'toh _required it at the time, but now that the woman seemed to have been beaten relentlessly with the horny stick, she wasn't so sure. She had meandered into the canned food section, and was lazily eyeing the labels when one caught her eye. ARMOUR Potted Meat Food Product. That certainly sparked a thread of morbid curiosity. She plucked it from the shelf and began reading the ingredients label. _Mechanically separated chicken parts, beef tripe, partially defatted cooked beef fatty tissue, beef hearts, water, partially defatted cooked pork fatty tissue, salt, less than 2% mustard, dried garlic, natural flav- _her reading was halted by something damp trailing wetly up her arm. She jumped and spun to face Aviendha, carrot in hand, grinning dirtily at her.

"Hello, near-sister, how are you as of this moment?"

"Uh...fine."

"Good. Did I ever tell you what splendid eyebrows you have?"

Elayne quirked one, producing a shrill giggle and a tremble from Aviendha. "Eyebrows?"

Aviendha nodded quickly, and peered up at her saucily, proffering the carrot. "I have a c-"

Elayne screeched and threw the can of potted meat food products at her. Aviendha, who had had years more experience at deflecting attacks, ducked easily, revealing Heather standing behind her, one hand poised to tap her on the shoulder. Her eyes widened slightly as the can flew toward her head, and Elayne winced as the can struck it with a metallic _ping_. Heather stood with her head tilted slightly to one side, then shook herself and turned to Aviendha, kicking her in the left breast.

"No _near-sister-_ing. I told you, I will not condone incest."

Aviendha gave a strangled squawk and knelt down clutching herself, nodding feebly. Heather nodded sharply, then brightened as her eyes fell on the blue can. "Ooo! Potted meat food products!" She picked up the can and happily rounded the corner. Elayne took the opportunity to slip away.

Morgan was heading up to the front counter, arms fully loaded with an assortment of odd items. She paused as Heather walked out of an aisle and hurried to join her. She waited until she was caught up, then continued to register five, where a dim blonde boy with sandy hair and freckles was aimlessly scraping cans across the red laser scanner, probably wishing it would malfunction and sear his eyes out of his skull and incinerate his brain. Morgan dumped her items on the counter and waited as the automated belt slid obediently to the front.

"Um, excuse me," Morgan asked, "but could you please run a price check on those?"

"Which ones?"

Morgan grinned evilly. "All of them."

The boy smiled and tried to look cheerful and helpful. He managed to duplicate Morgan's grin exactly. "Sure!"

He apathetically ran each item over the scanner to get it's bar code, and grabbed the mike, saying "Price check on 3.14 pounds of grapes. Price check on an electrolysis eyebrow plucker." There was a dirty chuckle from somewhere in the store. "Price check on a dented can of Beenie Weenie," and so on. Heather proffered her can of potted meat food product, and Morgan happily took it, with thanks, from Heather, who grinned welcomingly. The boy sighed and took it, running it over the scanner four times to get a price of forty-five cents. Morgan picked it up to examine the picture on the label, then grinned at Heather. "It's spreadable!"

The boy gave them a look that told them both they needed to be committed, and pressed a few buttons on the register, saying "That'll be $85.67." Morgan shook her head. 

"No no no, I didn't want to buy them, I just wanted a price check." The boy glared at them, and Morgan smiled condescendingly at him. "Well, I suppose I'll take the potted meat food product."

"That'll be 48 cents"

Morgan took out her purse and began to count out 48 cents in pennies. The boy slammed his head against the scanner.

The smell of pine filtered to Rand on a vagrant breeze, which he happened to be ignoring. For once, he was alone. Lews Therin had gone blessedly silent, and, though this pained him, Aviendha, Elayne, and Min had not approached him in some time. Though, Min DID happen to be imprisoned in a bathroom, but the others had been too focused on each other to try to attach themselves to him. He was glad they were getting along. Of course he was! He just wished that didn't sound so much like he was trying to convince himself of it. He watched a beetle scuttle across some leaves, and he realized something was wrong. Heather had yet to chastise him for smiling...hardly at Morgan. Morgaaaan..........Morgan's....breasts! He shook his head free of the thought before he exploded. Heather usually would have done something, unless she was thinking of something original to do. In that case, he would rather keep waiting. Unless she really didn't care how he looked at Morgan. He really didn't mean to look at her hardly, she had done it first. Perhaps Morgan was being punished, and he was merely put aside while it was happening. Perhaps she meant to punish them both, and he was just second. Whatever it was, it was taking quite a while. He hoped the same wasn't going to be done to him. But he had to take whatever it was. He had to be hard, for Tarmon Gaidon. He had to steel himself to whatever came. Whatever Heather could conjure up had to be second to what would happen in the Last Battle. He thought. Nevertheless, he had to be strong for the world's sake. He heard a slight rustling, and sighed, hoping he looked calmer than he felt. He stood up, preparing himself mentally, and tried to look calm.

"Go ahead, beat me, maim me, impregnate me with the Myrddraal's baby, just get it over with."

He blinked, and looked around. The only other living thing was a squirrel looking at him from atop a stump a few feet away. It chittered at him suspiciously, and he smiled.

"I though you were someone else. You don't have to have my baby if you don't want to."

It screeched at him and ran for dear life. He looked as far as he could to either direction. The van seemed to have momentarily puttered off. Fury spiderwebbed across the Void, and he kicked the stump petulantly.

Lews Therin blinked blearily, and focused his nonexistent ocular phantom eyes. His mouth was blessedly free of Bertha's hand. He giggled happily, then stopped when he realized where that might land him. He would never giggle again. He sighed happily instead; no chance of that becoming chronic. He choked, then spat out something onto his palm. A bright orange Lee press-on nail. He shuddered, and realized he was lying on his back on a concrete floor somewhere in the back of the store. His wrists were bound with clear packaging tape, and his hands were corded to his ankles. How pleasantly futile; he _was_ dead, after all. He scratched his head, puzzled, and events focused themselves in his mind, or lack thereof. Bertha must be a kinky little one, that she must be. He had to forcefully restrain himself from giggling. Kinky, but that wasn't funny, that was disturbing. He sighed and got up, turning from dusting off his coat to stare at a short, frail-looking man caressing a mop with bad intentions. He clutched his head. _What a sucky sentence._

"That's you, not the mop. The intentions I mean."

The frail man stopped caressing his mop to stare at Lews Therin in confusion.

"Yes, I confuse myself, too, sometimes."

The little man shook his head and spoke vehemently to Lews Therin, pointing the mop at him for effect.

"You done stole my woman!"

"Whuh?"

"You done-"

"Stole your woman?"

"Yeah."

"No, I didn't."

"Yes you did."

"No, I didn't"

"Yes, you _did_."

"_No,_ I _didn't."_

"YES YOU DID!"

"DIEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!" Lews Therin lunged at the frail looking man. Then abruptly, he halted in mid-air.

"Hey. Your name wouldn't happen to be Bill, of janitorial supplies, would it?"

"That it would."

"Ah. Good."

Lews Therin resumed his lunge and they collided with a shelf stacked high with canned Evaporated Milk. He got off the now bent frail looking man, and addressed his inert form.

"Not that I have the mere glimmer of speculation about the merest possibility of being jealous, GOD no, but I can't abide with anyone who would be crestfallen about falling out of THAT woman's good graces. Have a nice day."

Lews Therin strutted out of the swinging double doors, back into the rest of the store.

Heather peered around her distractedly. She had secured her desired sustenance, a packet of spearmint breathsavers and a box of Frappuccinos, and was idly wondering where everyone else was. Time was running short and, as she had recently pieced together in her mind, it was beginning to rain. She decided, after a moment of mental calculation, that she would go round everybody up. She started on the far left of the store, the deli, and started to work her way over. She collected Moiraine with her arms full of 5 pounds of sliced Pastrami, and Thom with a small container of Jello salad, and moved on to the bread aisle, where Be'lal was biting into a package of mini powdered doughnuts, and the canned food aisle, where Aviendha and Elayne stood clutching a carrot and a small can of Vienna sausages. She trotted to the next aisle, soups and teas, to find Elaida, who tried to hide behind a package of peppermint when she saw her. She found Perrin clutching a small raw game hen in the meat aisle, Mat with a small fruit pie, and Queen Tylin with a tub of Cool Whip. Lanfear had a small salad and wet ankles, and the Myrddraal had a case of Mountain Dew, a can of Jet-Puffed Marshmallow Cream, and a bag of coffee beans. Egwene had a yogurt and a bag of uncooked lentils, and Loial of course was in the pet food aisle, fawning over a can of Whiskas. Nynaeve had a candy bar and a bottle of Pepto Bismal. Heather frowned. She stalked through the aisles once more. Thom snagged a bag of kumquats on their way past the fruit aisle, but there was no sign of Lews Therin. She frowned menacingly at nothing, and stalked to the front. Heather arrived at register five, where their willing staff member had been tied to the register to keep him from bolting. Heather reached over and grabbed the mike, pressing the intercom button.

"Hey any disembodied dead people, special at register five. Beautiful, scantily clad, tall women with no morals and low self esteem. I repeat, special offer at register five for the living deceased. Women's clothes half off!" That should draw him. A woman in the next line gave her a painfully sane look and clutched her child tighter. Heather flashed her. A smile. The woman didn't seem to appreciate the afterthought, and sniffed primly and turned her back on the psychotic party of psychopaths. With a manic grin, the Myrddraal slid fluidly over the barrier between the lines and smiled happily and stupidly at the terrified woman.

"You know who Miss Cleo is?"

"Uh, n-"

"Well, I have this joke, see?"

"Not r-"

"Ok, here goes. Why was Miss Cleo in the children's clothing aisle at K'Mart?"

"Er, why?"

"He heard the boy's pants were half off. Hee hee." The Myrddraal giggled, then promptly passed out, falling backwards, his boots catching the woman on the chin on the way down. She rubbed it fitfully, then caught a glance of what he was wearing under his cloak and hurriedly guided her child out of the store. An unidentified unscrupulous character slid from the line and snatched his boots and ran out the automatic sliding doors, which wouldn't have been noticed by the Myrddraal even had he been conscious. Heather tapped her foot irritably. "Wait here," she told her followers, who honestly had no intention of following. She stalked down the aisle again, and came to the back of the store, seeking a phone on which to call maintenance to see if any cheese vandalism had been reported. What she found was Lews Therin, strutting in little circles by the 'other' aisle, the one that contained the Jello puddings and bologna and liverwurst. She snagged him and dragged him to the front, pulling a can of Evaporated Milk out of his back pocket and smacking it down on the counter with a maniacal grin for their staff member, and ordered him to ring it all up. Heather did a double take, and then turned her penetrating stare on Lews Therin. She glanced suggestively at the milk, and gave him a look that asked if he had a death wish.

"Erm, I had a scuffle with someone in janitorial supplies, and we hit the ol' milk."

"Oh. I honestly thought you had a death wish. Ok, you have five minutes to get a non-dairy snack, or you'll share Rand's fate."

Lews Therin bobbed his head happily and wandered in the general direction of the food.

Morgan was standing near the 25 cent machine toy dispensers, trying to hypnotize one so it would be her unrivaled minion, and Heather was trying to find something in the candy tray that would conclusively cause cancer. Sarah was staring with an unholy intensity at the Myrddraal's case of Mountain Dew, which was beginning to make him a little nervous. Egwene was trying to glue a sample box of Wheaties to Elaida, who was oblivious to everyone. 

Lews Therin wandered the aisles aimlessly, searching for something he wanted to digest. He stopped by the liquor aisle, glancing from side to side suspiciously before ducking in hurriedly. He sauntered down the aisle, pausing for a moment on a bottle of Hooch, before deciding on a bottle of Ponteen. He scanned the label on the back. _Illegally distilled Irish whiskey._ He tucked it under his coat and hurried to the next aisle before anyone could stop him and ask why he was acting so suspicious. He went to the dairy aisle, since he was feeling suicidally rebellious, and giggled at the sour cream. He examined the cheese wheels and lightly taunted the Jello puddings before swiping up a can of Easy Cheese and hiding it under his coat with the bottle of Ponteen. He went to the fruit aisle and stole a coconut, then to the hygiene section and stole a sponge. He scuttled over to the next aisle and hid a box of Saltine crackers under his coat, to go with the easy cheese, then went and stole a can of black caviar just for the sheer unadulterated hell of it. He hurried back to the front, running into a display of Quaker oatmeal, so he decided to steal that, too. He arrived by Heather's side, smiling up at her.

"Three minutes and twenty-seven seconds. Didn't you get anything?"

Lews Therin shifted uneasily, making several rustling and clinking sounds. He surreptitiously reached behind him and ripped the box of Wheaties off Elaida, proffering it to Heather. "Of course."

Heather snagged it from him and put it down on the counter. "I'm sorry to hassle you further, but we have ONE more item."

The boy fell over, then pulled himself back up and lethargically ran each item over the scanner again, coming up with a total of $97.26. Heather turned to Morgan, who paid for everything with a suspiciously large pile of quarters. They gathered their food after making their staff member put each item in separate bags, and they headed out the automatic doors, which were happy to see them go. They sat themselves down in the van again, and Heather reached for the ignition key.

"Morgan?"

"Mmm hmm hmm?"

"That boy, he was OUR staff member, right?"

"Yes."

"Ok."

Heather hopped out of the van and fled in the general direction of the store, emerging a moment later dragging their staff member and stuffing him in the back, then hopping back in the van and peeling off down the road.

The Myrddraal sniffed Lews Therin suspiciously. "What's that you got in your coat?"

"Uh...let's see.....a bottle of Ponteen, a can of easy cheese, some caviar, some saltine crackers, a coconut, a sponge, a display of Quaker Oatmeal, and a box of Wheaties."

"Yummy. Wanna share?"

"Ok."

Lews Therin proffered the can of black caviar, and the Myrddraal gave Lews Therin the can of Jet Puffed Marshmallow Cream and some coffee beans. Lews Therin crunched down the beans happily, and took a swig from his bottle of Ponteen. He giggled, eyed the Myrddraal askance once, then continued to giggle. The Myrddraal just sat licking the caviar out of the can and spitting into his Mountain Dew, then proceeding to drink it. He smiled at Lews Therin, his teeth full of caviar bits. "Mmmm, spicy."

Heather sat in the passenger's seat, watching Morgan in the driver's seat trying to turn on the windshield wipers.

Sarah was in the back, in Rand's seat, still staring at her can of soda. Sweat had started to bead on her brow.

Lews Therin eyed both the Myrddraals and swayed happily in time with the van and tried to poke one in the eye. He missed by about six inches and miles of laws of physics, and slid off his seat. The floor seemed to be vibrating slightly. He peered up at the two Myrddraals, who merged into one another and became the one Myrddraal again, licking his can of Jet-Puft Marshmallow Cream. He had also started to vibrate slightly. He belched, and both he and Lews Therin giggled happily at their staff member, who was just regaining consciousness.

Berf Narfgitz opened his eyes slowly, peering around him. The last thing he remembered was the strange short girl giving him a wedgie with a shoe horn then smacking him on the back of the head with his own price scanner. He groaned, then his eyes shot open. He sat up slowly to stare at the two weirdest things he had ever seen. One was very obviously drunk and just as obviously dead, and the other's head resembled an egg. A vibrating egg, milky pale, lacking eyes, like a maggot under a rock.

"Hey," urped the Myrddraal, "I _resemble_ that resent...I.......uh............you suck."

It's voice sounded like rotted bone crumbling. He would know, since he spent a lot of time in the cereal department. He tried to scream, and found that his mouth had been bound with a seatbelt. The dead one was on the floor, staring up at his with sort of a horrified curiosity. Something loomed in his field of vision, and he peered up at what he supposed was the family pet. A very large family pet. It smiled at him, and patted his thigh with a hand that could have easily crushed his head. Which is what he wished it had done next instead of leaning over and licking his head. He screamed as much as his gag would allow, and passed out to the sound of the dead one echoing him

"AAAAAAAAHH!!! Heather!! LOIAL'S LICKING YOUR STAFF MEMBER!"

"LOIAL! NO! BAD DINGO!" 

Loial cowered under all the negative attention, and mumbled to himself softly, softly for an Ogier, which is why Heather leaped to the back and proceeded to maul him out of existence.

She sauntered casually back to the front, and proceeded to chew a hole in the ceiling.

"Well!" she said cheerfully when she had finished, "we've managed to take nearly two hours to go down forty miles worth of highway at seventy-five miles per hour. The dark, it is falling. We had better stop at a restaurant and eat something. And as much morbid anticipation as this produces, we must also find a decent motel to stay the night in."

"Cooooooool," came from Lews Therin. Heather was getting rather disgruntled at this point, since rain was falling through her little hole onto her head. Morgan nodded thoughtfully, then quietly and sanely pulled off the freeway into the parking lot of a Denny's. They once again got out of the van, and went into the restaurant.

They filtered in, with Lews Therin leering dirtily at the plastic plants. Heather spun suddenly to face them. They backed up a few steps from the force of her grin. "No sudden movements, now!"

The waitress came and stood behind some kind of podium, and gave them all a cheerful yet withering look that can only be achieved by working over ten years giving other people the slaughtered and burned carcasses of animals and watching them shovel it noisily into their porktraps then fling a few pennies on the table, leaving them to scrape up a few slimy scraps of cheese and corn into a can and feed it to the next customer.

"How many?"

Heather smiled. "Fifteen."

"Y'all follow me," the waitress drawled, and led them to where two pimpled boys were disconsolately pushing three tables together so they all would fit. Berf stared at them longingly, longing to romp with his own kind, until Heather slammed a napkin holder into the back of his head. He slumped down into a chair. Heather sauntered over and retrieved Padan Fain from where he had been trying to request a booster seat from a greasy-looking cook whose name Heather guessed was Biff or Buck or Hank. His eyes began to cross as Heather drug Padan Fain back to the table, and he grinned toothily at them. He slowly brought his hand up before his face, waving it in front of his eyes, making an occasional sound of amazement.

"What did you give him?"

Padan Fain smiled, hoping the effect would distract Heather and she would forget to maim him.

Heather hailed a passing waitress. "Glass of water, please." The waitress surreptitiously swiped one off the table behind her, and gave it to Heather, who crammed Padan Fain's head in it. He made small gurgling sounds, and nearly everyone else opened a menu and scanned it. 

"Hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee heeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheehee heeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheehee heeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheehee heeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheehee heeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheehee heeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheehee heeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheehee heeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheehee heeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheehee heeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheehee heeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheehee heeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheehee heeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheehee"

Heather smacked the Myrddraal with her menu. He turned to Heather.

"N-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-noneforme, th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-thanks."

"What?"

"C-c-c-c-c-c-c-coooooooooofffffff-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-enoneformethanksI'mjus'boutfullupIreckon. WellmaybeacuporthreeI'mtryingtocutbackyouknowanddangifitain'thard. Oh, yeah, keepitcomingmmmbabycoffeecan'tlivewithoughtitjusthookittomyveinsboyhowdygimme someofthatcolumbiancoffeejustgottahaveitbeanmegimmeacupofthatthatcolumbianguyandhisburroaresofinebuttheymusthavestressissues." He grinned at Heather. There were several clumps of coffee grounds between his teeth. Heather dug them out and flung them at Lews Therin, who wasn't paying attention, then clocked the Myrddraal.

Now that the Myrddraal was quietly taking a nap underneath the table, she set to studying her menu.

"They have a dish here called 'Moons over my Hammy'," Sarah murmured quietly, "Just thought you'd appreciate knowing."

"They also have margaritas!" Lews Therin said festively. "Aie-AIe-AIE-AIE-AIE-AAAIIIEEEEEEEEEEE!" Several patrons turned to stare at them, and most turned right back.

The waitress arrived at the table with a grotty tablet bearing a single dingy piece of paper. The paper was about four inches thick, since it was obvious that they had just been using white-out to cover the writing in order to use it over and over and over. The waitress turned to Sarah, who seemed the most calm in the group.

"Would you like to start with drinks?"

"Yes please. Do you have pepsi?" The waitess nodded. "Do you have pepsi in a can?"

"Nope, only on tap. And you, sir? What w-"

"I _wasn't_ done," Sarah said dangerously.....

She hurriedly begot seven children who popped out at a breakneck pace and hurled their shiny newborn projectile bodies at the quivering waitress. The poor waitress suffered a fear-induced "accident" but ignored the obvious dark stain on her crepe paper skirt when the babies hit her with loud thumps and threw her to the polished linoleum floor.

The seven babies (all of which looked remarkably like Benny Hinn, the infamous, gray-haired holy roller missionary) got up and surrounded the defeated waitress. "Owwwww," she mumbled, holding a hand to her head and struggling to sit up. "Youuuu... uhh, y'all'll paaayyy for that..." The waitress collapsed, surrendering her skull to the floor.

"It's a good thing nobody else in the restaurant noticed that," Sarah said after gingerly placing her babies into a styrofoam take-out box atop the liver and raspberry pudding.

"Yeah," Heather smirked. "People usually don't pay attention to gray-haired babies being born at ninety miles an hour, especially when they're launched at a

waitress' face."

"Hehehehhhehehehehehehehehehehheheheheheheeheehehehehheehehehee,

b-b-b-baaaaayy-baay-bieees." The Myrddraal, lingering underneath the table, laughed and spit flecks of ground coffee at everyone's legs and at the fallen waitress.

Lews Therin drunkenly sunk into a stupor and started scraping gum from the top of the Myrddraal's head with his teeth without noticing that Morgan had handcuffed him and the unconscious waitress together at the thighs.

Berf Narfgitz awoke with a snort and looked around worriedly. Everyone was just opening their menus. He rubbed the back of his head, and thought teenage boy thoughts to himself. He tried to think teenage boy thoughts to Heather so she would let him go, but it didn't work, she just stared at him and threatened him vaguely with her fork. He glanced under the table. He saw the Myrddraal, but no Lews Therin's thighcuff, and no waitress. It had been a murky, insanity-induced dream. The waitress was at the table with the grotty tablet, but she was talking to Lews Therin.

"Do you want anything to drink, luv?"

Lews Therin vomited on her, so she turned patiently to the Myrddraal, who had crawled up in the chair with Lews Therin.

"Would you like anything to drink, luv?" He vomited on her, too. She shuddered slightly, sticky with marshmallow cream and bits of coffee grounds, and turned to Morgan to inquire if she would like anything to drink, who just shrugged and vomited on the waitress, too. She crossed her eyes slightly, and turned to Berf.

"Would YA like anythin' ta drink? An appetizer?

"Do you have liver and raspberry pudding?" He flinched, and the waitress hurried to Padan Fain, because she thought he was going to vomit on her.

"Would you like anything to drink? An appetizer? A glass of-"

Padan Fain did his best to look at her through his glass of water. She gave him a level look and turned to Heather. 

"An' you, luv?"

"You know, I think you'd just better leave until we decide what we want. Thanks." 

The waitress slopped wetly to the back, and Heather snapped her menu up in front of her face.

"I'm not hungry."

She peered over the top at Elayne. "Pardon?

"I'm not hungry. I ate my snack, and I'm not hungry. I lack appetite, I desire no sustenance, I want no f-

"Then wait outside. All of you who aren't hungry wait outside. And don't eat the butts out of the ashtray!"

The waitress returned, slightly more dry, but with large unsightly smears on her apron. She turned to Sarah. "Would you like a drink, luv?"....

Sarah lunged at the waitress' clumpy tablet with bloodshot eyes and veins angrily emerging from her neck in all directions.

"Ma'am... ma'am... ca-calm yourself... NAAGGHH!! Mby nose!"

Sarah folded her arms and smirked with pride as she gazed at the screaming, arm flailing waitress. The artificial blonde was running around Denny's with surprisingly large chunks of pig's feet carefully lodged in each nostril. 

"Oooh," Lews Therin slurred drunkenly. "Piiigsfeetyum." He continued licking congealed globs of creamed corn, unidentified fatty tissue, and hardened crumbs of carbohydrate from the green plastic seat. The waitress apparently neglected to wipe down the seats regularly, for Lews Therin ate what was lodged in between the cushions and managed to get full.

"Anyway... I think we should all engage in a chicken pot pie-eating bondage relay," Heather said as she amusedly watched the waitress fret over her enlarged nostrils in a mirror behind the counter.

"A chicken pot pie-eating bondage relay in which we role play as famous political figures?" Morgan asked eagerly. Fourteen pleas of "No, for the love of god!" daintily brushed against Morgan's face. She realized her position and scampered off to the unisex bathroom to "change."

The greasy, cross-eyed cook, Biff/Buck/Hank, slithered over to the table. 

"Duh, hi." He grinned stupidly, exposing yellowed, crooked teeth with chewed parsley peeking out from his molars. Everyone at the table, longing to get rid of Biff/Buck/Hank and his lingering, putrid smell of oil and aged cooking lard, stared at him unresponsively.

"I good cook. Y'all wan' see the bitchen' kitchen room? It big enough for all us, huh huh huh."

Although the cook's presence was revolting, everybody agreed that this was their only opportunity to venture into the uncharted wasteland of filth, the Denny's kitchen. Sissy Biggers returned from the bathroom in time to trail behind the group as they followed the cook through the silver swinging door.

A nauseating wave of oven heat and beef fat greeted the greasy cook's entourage. The sights, the smells, and the sticky floor raised everyone's spirits when they walked into this, the playground of their fantasies.

"Oooo, mommy!" Loial dove into a boiling, stained vat of bubbling butter and vegetable oil.

"I wanna have a pie-eating political bondage relay now..." Sissy Biggers moaned.

Heather glanced up from where she had been reading her menu to stare at Berf, who had just mumbled about pie-eating political bondage relays in his sleep. She really shouldn't have rendered him unconscious again, but she HAD given warning not to eat the cigarette butts. She turned to Morgan, wanting her to share in her delight. Morgan stared happily back, then snapped to attention as the waitress emerged from the kitchen with a platinum smile on her face

"Hello luv,-"

"Call me that one more time and I'll throttle you."

"'K, hun. Where'd all yer little friends go?"

"Do you want to be my lover?"

The waitress's face fell. "Huh?"

"Unless you want to share my bed, quit calling me sweetheart names, or I'll rip your liver out, eat it, rip off your head and vomit in the stump. 'K luv?"

The waitress paled and carefully handed them two bowls, one containing congealed corn lumps, the house specialty, the other containing liver and raspberry pudding. The waitress quivered back to the kitchen to be comforted by Hank.

"Ew," Heather remarked, her mouth full of congealed corn lumps. Lews Therin emphatically agreed from where he was strapped to the hatch-back chair. Heather spit out the mouthful of cornly lumps, and said, "That too, but I was referring to the budding romance I see between the waitress and....Bi-.....Bu-....Ha-......the cook. Hey Lewser, is that Morgan's breasts?"

Lews Therin exploded before he had a chance to check, leaving Heather and Morgan to their conversation.

"Bleh?"

"What?"

"I said bleh?"

"Why?"

"Why?"

"Yes."

"Because."

"Because why?"

"Because Sarah's acting strange."

"Ah. Is she, is she."

"You're starting to sound like Lews Therin."

"Gud."

"Want cheese?"

"Have some."

Heather proceeded to poke Sarah with a stick. Morgan looked over, mildly interested, and snatched the packet of complementary crayons left on the table when they weren't looking. She then drew blue eyes on Sarah's cheeks, and colored an extra nose on her neck. Heather shifted around happily in Sarah's pockets, and found the following sheaf of papers

Sarah's and the waitress's eyes locked and ground against one another. The waitress's scleras were beginning to bubble, and her corneas were steaming slightly when suddenly a troop of Oren-worshipping AVID students wearing "sexually suggestive" clothing burst into the room, waving half-empty beer mugs and raccously singing the latest Britney Spears song. 

With a shout of, "Comrades!", Loial striped off his clothes and rushed out to join the AVID students. A few seconds passed as Heather's and Morgan's irises recoiled in shock at the sight of Loial writhing in pleasure from the group massage that the AVID students were giving various parts of his body. Heather's and Morgan's retinas fainted with a particularly sickening moo, and were revived by their ciliary muscles with a few hearty lickings. 

Meanwhile, Sarah was still staring malevolently at the place where the waitress's eyes had been, but were now being sucked on by Gawyn, who had been clinging to the underside of the van all this time and had only now crept out and hidden under the table. The rest of the waitress had fallen victim to Aviendha, who was alternately praising the waitress for her "sleek, suave, 'hubba-hubba' body" and puncturing the waitress with her spear. 

Aran-gar and Osan-gar, who were trapped in the pockets of Loial's pants, moaned with an unidentifiable emotion as they were crushed beneath the mob of aroused AVID students. Osan-gar, wriggling free, spied a note that had fallen from the hand of one of the AVID students. Curious, he picked it up and read it aloud. 

It is I, Roger M. Hartman, seducing you back to another outstanding year at East Union! I am aroused with excitement at the thought of all you young, strapping lads and ladies returning to school. The faculty and I have been diligently preparing for your return. I personally have worked very hard to ensure that my office is comfortable and pleasant for all the students who wish to talk to me. I have set the lights to their proper dimness, installed a sound system to play soft, romantic music and bought medieval instruments of torture such as whips, cat-o-nine tails, maces, racks, etc. I am ready for you, East Union student! I am so passionately awaiting your return! Please hurry to school extra early tomorrow and bring extra Cool Whip so I may lick it with slow, amorous tonguestrokes from yo.. I mean so you will not be hungry on this vital day of your educational career. I would also like to remind you that East Union prohibits the wearing of tank tops, bikinis, monokinis, g-strings, clam shells, or paint-on clothing *wink wink* 

And don't forget to attend the erotic Back-to-School Buck-A-Burger "BBQ" event on Wednesday, Sept. 13th where we will dress in sprigs of parsley and smear A-1 sauce over our sensuous, naked bodies. It promises to be a hot night indeed. 

Eagerly craving tomorrow, 

Roger

Graendal materialized suddenly. "Sounds smashing," she said lavisciously, then de-materialized just as suddenly because no one wanted her. 

"AAAA! No group sex for Loial!" Aran-gar snarled. She whipped out her bull-polaxing kit and tried to forcibly break up the mob. Unfortunately, they all turned out to be masochists, and enjoyed their punishment. Aran-gar found herself dragged against her will to the center of the mob, where several people smeared her with ketchup taken from greasy ketchup packets.

Lan stared wistfully at the sweaty, drunken, ketchup-smeared youths. Once, when he was young, he had enjoyed the same sort of youthful, happy-go-lucky sexual experimentation. Now he spent his days and nights bound (literally) to a masculine woman with a deep voice, hairy thighs, and long, lethal fingernails. He sighed. 

"LAN!!" Nynaeve screeched. "Stop looking at them! I don't want you to get any ideas!!" Before Nynaeve could say anything else, Lan went and started bashing his head against the wall as punishment for his wandering eyes. He figured it would be less painful than any punishment she would suggest. 

"I said I WASN'T DONE!!" Sarah howled, all the more angry because no one was listening to her except Ted the Lizard, who was sitting on the ceiling and phoning his mafia pals....

Heather's eye twitched slightly. "It's the soda can's fault." She peered down at Sarah, still intent on her can, and walked slowly out of the restaurant. The sound of the van peeling out accompanied the view of the van leaving the driveway.

Heather hummed slightly to herself as she accelerated to eighty, going back the way she came. She felt slightly bad about leaving Morgan alone with Lews Therin and the Myrddraal. Poor Lews Therin and the Myrddraal.

Rand was following the dirt path in front of him, a small, leafless rut left by someone's feet. His feet, he realized. He was just walking in circles in the little dirt track he had made. Damn. Precious hours lost! There was never enough time! Time was his enemy! 

"DAMN YOU TIIIIIIIIIIIME!!!!" He lowered his head just in time to see the fading rear lights of the van vanishing around a turn. 

"DAMN YOU VAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN'S REEEEEEEEEEEEEAARRRRRRR LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHTSSSSSSS!!!!!!!"

Heather stuck her head out the window at a curious keening wail, but seeing as how it was only Rand, she stuck it back in again and continued on her errand.

Morgan looked up as a waitress, not theirs, waved a callused hand in front of her face.

"You Morgan?"

"Yes."

"There's a call for ya."

Morgan idly wondered if everyone in the restaurant had a Southern accent, even though they were nowhere near the south, and took up the phone indicated by the waitress. An obviously male girly voice answered her hello.

"Hallo. This eez not Rahnd. Mah head seems to 'ave got caught in a conveya belt, thought you'd better com and get it out, roit?"

"Roit," Morgan replied, and gently replaced the receiver back on it's hook and went back to the table.

Rand stared frustratedly at the now dead line in his hand, and slipped back down the telephone pole. All that work trying to disguise his voice, for naught. He channeled, and made a gateway to the corner where....he smacked himself on the forehead, the sound drawing the eyes of the other hookers in the red light district. 

"GATEWAY! DUUU-UUUH!"

One of the hookers threw her purse at him, which made quite a large dent in his head, weighed down by fifty-seven point two pounds of condoms as it was. Heather instantly ran her over for introducing what she thought was vulgar material into her fanfic, and scooped Rand into the van, then sped back to where she was going in the first place, which happened to be Sissy Biggers World-Famous Waste-Treatment Plant, now locked up and even more foreboding than usual. She dragged Rand inside, forcefully dumped all the change out of his pockets, crammed a few quarters in the machine, grabbed the sodas that popped out, hopped back in the van and sped off, only returning a few moments later to grab Pocket and Pip and retrieve all who were locked, imprisoned, or stapled there. The van now being half-full, she sped back to Denny's and Sarah.

Sarah sat staring at her soda can, oblivious to all.

Morgan looked up happily from where she had been applying mascara to the Myrddraal with Lews Therin's toe hair, and smiled at Heather, accompanied by a trailing line of the rest of their party and clutching two soda cans, one of which she tossed to Morgan. Heather scrunched up her face and said "It smells like french fries and men in here," and pressed her face to her soda can. "OOOOOOOOOOO!!" she exclaimed happily, and pointed out the tiny red pictures of Bob Dole that made up one half of the Pepsi logo, and the tiny blue Al Gores that made up the other half, as well as the tiny Myrddraals that made up the black lettering.

Sarah's head bobbed, virtually the first sign of life she had shown since her soda can. "And there's little green and yellow Janet Renos on the Mountain Dew!" She smiled, and pressed her face back to the soda can, turning grave again, and said "But there's little black Mr. Orens making up the expiration date." Morgan quickly turned hers over to investigate, and Heather pointed out that there were hidden messages making up the ingredients label, but they were mostly just stuff like 'Eat me', 'Recycle your ass', 'Lard is God', or 'Where's my ferret soufflé?' Heather shrugged, and jammed her butter knife into Sarah's can, spraying the contents in the Myrddraal's face, washing off the mascara and making him smile thankfully at Heather, who bent the knife using his head.

Morgan turned her attention to the now slightly flushed waitress, meaning she was now decked with what looked like a swirly. She assumed her and Biff/Buck/Hank had been playing in the vanilla shake machine and thought no more of it, ordering beans and grapes.

Al Dole rushed into the Denny's, darted over to their table, hurled some flyers at them, and ran out the door.

"Hee hee he was black," Lews Therin remarked observantly.

Heather shoved a salt shaker up his nose, and hurriedly thought about what she was going to order, since the waitress was now standing over them and tapping her foot irritably.

"I want pilaf," Perrin remarked in funereal tones, and was instantly set upon by Faile, who was in turns yanking out fistfuls of his beard and cooing at him and raking deep furrows in his back.

"Er, ahem. I'll have coffee. And a fortune cookie."

The waitress knew better than to protest that they had no fortune cookies at this point, having learned her lesson, and turned from Heather to take the remaining party's orders. She left, already pulling a small vial of white-out from the front of her dress. Heather had to clear her throat several times before Lews Therin peered blearily up at her.

"Nuuuuuuuuuureeehh?"

"What's the matter with you?"

"Er. Dem...dem those little and....I had a drink. There's a hooker stuck tot he finder," he said, and went back to trying to dig his toe into the Myrddraal's eye, who was under the table again.

"Light!" Lanfear cursed, then grew more agitated when Heather shot her a warning glance, "I will not go to hell! You people, you MAGGOTS, you FESTERING ASS BOILS ON THE FACE OF CREATION AS WE KNOW IT, are all LOW!!"

The table started to slide toward the kitchen, leaving them in a circle of chairs staring at a now red Lanfear. She shrugged uncomfortably. "Well, at least I'm being honest?"

"Me too," Lews Therin said, and gestured with his toe toward the van sitting outside the window neatly parked in a hedge, with a hooker determinably trying to un-plaster her hair from the now-cooling fender.

"I see," Heather saw, and stood up and slid toward the door, giving them all a demonstration of what it looks like to take a hooker's clothes off while she's stuck to the front of a van. Heather glided inside, trailing the garters and boots behind her, and headed to the ladies room, Lanfear in tow. Morgan was senior in charge of sanity control now that Heather had gone, but she was currently neglecting her duties, as watching Heather had given her several ideas. She hopped out the door to the van, and, retrieving a bundle of clothes and a small trunk, sauntered into the bathroom after Heather.

Morgan's entrance into the bathroom was met with grunts and muffled protests as she closed the door behind her. One of the two stall doors swung open, and Lanfear sailed out, wearing the hooker's clothes, which consisted of a few virulent green straps and not much else. Heather followed her out, a bit more slowly, and augured a finger against her nearly bare chest. "And I had BETTER see you out there dancing on the table or there WILL be Hell Toupee."

"You mean to pay?"

"No, it means I'll steal Mr. Oren's hairpiece and staple it to your body."

Lanfear drew up, looking faintly sick, and rushed out the door, impeded only by the fact that she had forgotten to open it first. She rubbed her face, and yanked it open, impeded only by the fact that she had forgotten to step away from the door first. Rubbing her now completely crimson face, she peered closely at the little comic strip humorously describing proper door-opening etiquette that had been pasted to the wall. She repeated the steps physically, slowly, and finally darted out the now open door, nodding slightly to herself at a job well done.

Morgan shared a smile with Heather, who went to the sink to wash her hands. Morgan ducked into the stall they had vacated and opened the trunk, smiling slightly at the happy reflection the mirror set in the lid threw back at her.

"I know what you're doooooing in there!" came the happy yap from Heather. The waitress stood in the doorway, assuming she had come in on the wrong part of the conversation, and ducked out, her message undelivered.

"So do IIIII-IIIII!" sang Morgan, busying herself with a tube of rose-colored pig fat.

"Hee hee," replied Heather, and opened the door, tearing down the instructions as she went.

Morgan smiled at her now slightly pallid reflection, and anticipated what was to come.

Berf stared nervously at the table, not sure whether to watch in open fascination as the one with the tattoos on his arms was doing, or modestly cast his eyes to the table which, he guessed, the Myrddraal thing was doing. His choice was made for him as a nearly naked butt was thrust into his face and waggled, just in case it hadn't really caught his attention. The beautiful woman was probably the MOST beautiful woman he had ever seen, which was probably why he had termed her that when he first saw her emerge from the bathroom, like an improper dream, and drag the table back from where the Myrddraal had been trying to stuff it through the kitchen door, and climb on it to dance, as she was now doing. Or trying to do. What she was doing in actuality was putting her hands on her thighs and thrusting her butt out, making sharp jerking motions that made her hop around the table. Not that he was complaining. She didn't seem to be enjoying herself much, and it hadn't seemed to make her feel better when he had stuffed a dollar down one of her straps. He just decided to sit back and enjoy the show.

His head turned at a squealing of hinges, and Lanfear on the table was forgotten as a woman emerged from the bathroom. She had the biggest breasts he had ever seen, and they were emphasized to the max by a low neckline and a series of small arrows pointing to a very generous cleavage which a Doberman could easily have gotten lost in. His head tilted slightly to the side, and a small puddle of drool formed on the table, dripping down onto the Myrddraal's head, since he was under it again. Sissy Biggers trotted happily to the table, making Berf break into a nosebleed, and used her breasts to pull herself on top of it, casting territorial glares at Lanfear. Berf's study was interrupted, as the Myrddraal had started to try to nibble his leg hairs off. He yelled, flailing his limbs, and Heather slid to his rescue, grabbing the Myrddraal by the nape of the neck and forcefully stuffing him into Padan Fain's coat.

Heather sighed, hoping the day wouldn't get much more eventful. She kicked her foot idly, idly scraping another bald patch on Berf's leg, and thought about how he screamed like a girl. She glanced out the window, where nearly everyone else was playing a game they had invented, which seemed to be made up of them throwing themselves at each other. She gave a small start as a cup of coffee was set in front of her, and grabbed at it before the waitress could add mayonnaise to it, which she was trying to do.

"No!" Heather punctuated her words with a slap, sending the mayonnaise flying at Padan Fain, who vomited on the waitress again, since he didn't like mayonnaise. The waitress decided life wasn't worth living after all, and ran screaming out the door to rent herself out as a pothole.

Heather giggled, and grabbed six sugar packets and three tiny containers of cream. She could practically feel everyone thinking on what impact that would have on THEM, and she sighed happily.

Aviendha panted over to where Elayne was draped over the fire hydrant, and decided to give it another shot.

"Near-sister, I _do_ wish we could-"

With a strangled scream, Elayne launched herself at Mat, screaming "Save meeeee!" Aviendha launched herself at Elayne, trying desperately to tackle her, but Elayne had dodged, and she smacked into Mat instead. She growled, "Now I have _toh_ to Rand Al'Thor!" and proceeded to tie his head to his hat.

Queen Tylin, though at another time would have saved Mat, was in an animated conversation with the hooker stuck to the bumper.

Back in the restaurant, Heather was gulping down her coffee, and pounding on the table as both Lanfear and Sissy Biggers got down with their bad selfs. 

"Heh heh, I gots nuts," Lews Therin said blithely.

"He's been amused with those cashews for almost twenty minutes," the Myrddraal told Heather under it's breath.

"Oh......I thought.....oh." Heather left it at that. She glanced at her watch, and her expression became complicated, probably due to the fact she wasn't wearing one. She nervously drummed on the table with her spoon, an unfortunate effect of the coffee, and began to wiggle in her seat. She caught a glance of what was going on outside still, and sighed. Maybe things were becoming too complicated. The spoon tapped faster. Maybe they should split up into three groups. It would certainly make keeping track of everyone easier. She eyed Lanfear. No one would be forgotten. The Myrddraal began to eye her, (and yes that IS humorously incorrect!) and she stopped her spoon and wiped the shavings away from the large hole she had made in the table. She kicked him in the shin, and got up to tell Sarah and Morgan her plan. She tapped Morgan on the shoulder. Morgan stopped her gyrating to stare at Heather questioningly. Heather noticed that Morgan had made herself a unibrow out of a piece of cheese and some meat substitute from the clam chowder of the people sitting next to them.

"So, Morgan, wot say we split up and meet at Randland later?"

"Ooo-keeeee"

"Right. Who do you want in your group?"

"Um......Berf," Morgan said, furrowing her eyebrow evilly, "and Lanfear," patting her on the shoulder, "and the Whitecloak."

"Ooo-keeee" Heather went off to find Sarah at the other end of the table, and related their plan. 

"I want Rand!" Sarah cried happily.

"Me too!" Lan cried enthusiastically, and Nynaeve characteristically beat him into a bruised silence. There were muffled murmurs from Loial's pockets.

"Oh," Sarah said, "And Loial." The muffled cries increased, and Loial shifted so he was sitting on them, squelching the murmurs. Morgan grinned sadistically.

"Funyuns," Heather said, nodding, and threw a bean into his eye, where it stuck. "WHY WON'T YOU STAY DEAD WHERE I PUT YOU?"

"Mmm, yum yum yum," Loial said, eating the bean with his eye, "Mmmmmm."

This sufficiently weirded Heather into silence.

Lews Therin sat beating his head against the table for no apparent reason at all.

"Lews Therin, since I can discern no apparent reason for you to be doing that, can you please tell me?" Heather inquired politely.

"I'm making a dent to put things in," Lews Therin responded. "Will you give this to someone?" he asked, handing her a note.

"Uh...sure," Heather said, taking it. "Who?"

"Someone," Lews Therin shrugged. "Just someone."

Heather eyed the note, then rubbed one fitfully and merely looked at it instead (feel free to think on that one a moment). It was written in a flowing woman's hand. Heather eyed Lewser, and filed away several tidbits for herself. The note was printed on what appeared to be transparent paper, nearly obscuring the big yellow M printed on it. It took her a minute to realize it was a grease-soaked McDonald's box. She tucked it in her pocket to read later. _I'm someone, too_, she thought. 

Heather gathered everyone she could, with the intention of getting them all to a motel room to sleep. She brought everyone into a big group, and left after securing the muskrat from Lan, leaving it on the table for payment. She also took the liberty of wiping the complementary crayon off Lan's forehead in his vain attempt to recreate eyebrows.


	6. No rest for the weary

They didn't have to get back in the van, since the Denny's had been stationed right next to a Motel 6, to keep up the standard of excellence someone with a skewered mind had set out to maintain.

Heather hummed the word skewered to herself as she led everyone to the lobby, which was being monitored by a rather large and pimply boy who was avidly watching an episode from Star Trek. The sign on his desk said his name was 'Bois', with the 's' being silent. Heather instantly decided he would do for Berf's new best friend. Heather walked up and rapped her fist against the desk to get his attention. He waved her to silence, his first fatal mistake. Padan Fain decided how he was going to die. Heather carefully positioned herself so that she was sitting on his ample head, and bent down so their eyes met. The boy still refused to acknowledge her presence. She cocked her head to the side, hoping he would catch the motion. He didn't. She cocked her shotgun instead.

"Shhh!," he protested. "Captain Jainway!"

Heather pointed the gun at the character mentioned, and fired. Aran-gar squeezed bulbously out and hit the screen. Bois screeched and surrendered himself, yelling "Don't hurt me, don't hurt me!" Heather conceded not to do him any bodily harm so long as he surrendered all the keys to the rooms and if he would please climb in this sack. He did so, and she wrote 'Tower of Ravens' on the outside.

"What?!?" she exclaimed to the stares she was receiving from everyone. 

"Wouldn't it be more....maniacal...to just give it to Loial as a chew toy or something?" The Myrddraal shifted his feet under the stare Heather gave him.

"....I love you," Heather said, beaming at him. "I love him," she told Morgan, who left off giving Dead Cow looks to Aran-gar, who was looking slightly dazed herself. Heather gathered her up for questioning, and they left with their keys. Padan Fain stopped on the way out, nudging the bag with his toe, giggling and muttering, "Hot cheese and onions in a boiling pot of Reeba MacIntyre." (I don't know how to spell it) 

They split up into groups, each group given a key to a single room. They had enough rooms for everyone to have one each, since they had ALL the rooms, but some preferred not to be split up.

Faile stared jealously as Perrin's hand brushed Heather's as she handed the key to him. She would mention it later in mind-numbing detail, but decided to leave well enough alone for now, since she had no desire to become a chew toy or have her nipples fall off or any other number of punishments Heather dredged from her _Big Book of Things to do to the Reasonably and Terminally Sane,_ which Faile had begun to suspect she had written herself. She finally dragged Perrin away, into the room number indicated on the key, waiting until they were alone to explode.

"What the HELL were you looking at back there?!?"

Perrin gave her the blank stare that all Two Rivers fathers taught their sons at birth. "Who, Heather?"

Faile smacked him with the Bible lying on the table with the lamp. "I mean Lanfear! Did you think I didn't notice you getting an eyeful?!?"

"Eyeful? Of what? Are you being kinky?" Perrin tried to put his arms around her, but she started to maul his chest with her teeth, and he backed off.

"Of her ASSSSSSSSSSSS!" They heard an answering hiss from the wall next to them. Faile picked Perrin up and used him to pound on it.

Lews Therin and the Myrddraal giggled as vague thumps drifted from the room next to them.

"Wonder what THEY'RE doing in there," Rand mused from his seat on the bed.

Padan Fain knocked his boots together suggestively, and they all giggled. Lews Therin tried to toss popcorn up and catch it in his mouth, but Rand gagged, since he wasn't expecting it. He glared resentfully, and got up to steal more towels from the bathroom, since he had been pilfering them all night.

Lan peered disconsolately into the mirror at his bald face, fingering the smooth spots where his eyebrows used to be. Nynaeve was sitting on the bed running a brush through the course hairs coating her legs. The noise made by the bristles scraping across them sounded like fingers raking down a chalkboard. Giggling, thumping, and other sounds of merriment came from the room above them, where Padan Fain, Rand, Lews Therin and the Myrddraal, at least, seemed to be having some fun. Nynaeve continued stroking her legs smooth, making Lan shudder, blurring his image in the mirror. He deftly slipped out Nynaeve's makeup bag and removed the eyeliner pencil she used to mark off where her eyes were to herself each day. He then began carefully marking in where he guessed his eyebrows used to be. He finished one side, and moved over to the other, when Nynaeve spoke up behind him.

"Lan!?" She screeched expectantly. 

His hand jerked, slashing a long black line down his face and into his eye. "Yes dear?" He peered in the mirror at the squiggly thin lines made by his hand trembling at the sounds coming from Nynaeve's legs.

"Do me NOW!" 

Lan smiled happily. So she wanted to be intimate. He turned, smiling, and stopped at the look on her face. She was staring at the eyebrows he had tried to draw on. He shifted his feet uncomfortably. He really wanted her to be kinky, but he had probably put her in a homicidal mood again. But instead she smiled, beckoning him closer. He grinned back, and obliged. 

Heather sat in the room she shared with Morgan and Sarah, picking at her toenails. She stopped in mid-pluck at a slurping sound from the room next to them, the one Lan and Nynaeve were stationed in. Morgan looked up from where she was attacking a piece of soap with a knife and grinned at Sarah. Sarah sat staring at a stain on the wall, which was disturbingly staring right back. She kicked it, and it yowled, silencing the noises from the adjacent room. Heather nodded satisfactorily, and the stain nodded agreement.

Nynaeve and Lan paused as a keening yowl came from the room next to them, the one Heather, Morgan and Sarah occupied. They waited a moment, and, after assuming whatever had made the sound was not about to come rocketing through the wall, Nynaeve went back to happily licking the eyeliner off of Lan's face.

"Do you think it wants to be friends?" Sarah asked Heather, still staring at the now-smiling stain. Heather peered at it curiously. It peered curiously back.

"I don't know, it's pretty mysterious," Heather said. The stain smiled knowingly. Morgan quietly pulled out a blue crayon she had taken from Denny's. The noises from the other room started up again. The stain started muttering unhappily to itself in third person, and Sarah nodded. Heather shrugged, and continued trying to pull her right pinky toe off. Morgan went back to carving Janet Reno's face into the free soap, and Sarah decided to investigate the drawers in the dressers they had been provided with. She opened them up one by one, but they were all empty. Sarah sighed unhappily.

"I was hoping there would be more free stuff to steal in there."

"Don't don't don't," the stain muttered quietly, "the Mysterious Phantom will report you..."

"Is that your name?" Sarah asked politely. Heather was staring enraptured at the stain, since she had a tendency to fall instantly in love with anything that spoke in third person.

""The Mysterious Phantom is too mysterious..." the stain muttered quietly.

"I'll say," Sarah agreed. Heather had started to creep off the bed and toward the wall. Sarah cocked her head to the side questioningly, and the stain copied her. Morgan giggled, and tore off small strips of the coverlet to make garters for her little Janet Reno. Heather quietly reached up and removed the knife from where Morgan had left it lying on the bed. The stain eyed her nervously. Morgan made her Janet Reno dance up to it and kiss it. It shook it's...stain disgustedly, and Heather jammed her knife in the wall above it. It began to look a trifle more nervous, and spoke hesitantly.

"What are you planning to do to the Mysterious Phantom?" Heather began cutting a circle around where the stain was stationed.

Aran-gar yowled and jumped up from where she had been sitting against the wall, grabbing her butt. Osan-gar looked at her curiously. Aran-gar stared at where a knife was poking through the wall. She shrugged, and said, "At least it wasn't something worse," giving Lanfear a dirty and suggestive smile from where she was sitting on the bed, waxing off her mustache. "You know," she continued, "You should let that grow out and then wax the ends into little points. That could be cool."

Lanfear glared at her and went back to removing her facial hair. Aran-gar shrugged as if to say 'I tried', and sat back against the opposite wall next to Osan-gar, giving him a companionable smile before glaring at him and threatening him with a fist. The knife continued to poke in and out of the wall, moving in a circle until the piece of wall fell out entirely. It landed on their side, and Heather poked her head in through the hole and said "Can you give him back, please? Thanks."

Aran-gar lifted an eyebrow. "Him?"

The piece of wall snarled at her from where it sat on the floor, and Aran-gar tried to back up more. That was, as were all thing connected to Heather, decidedly odd. Heather's head disappeared, and her arm poked in, trying to grab the wall and pull it back. Osan-gar got up and bent over the hole so he could talk through.

"We'll bring it over to you, ok?"

Heather's arm retreated and her face reappeared to smile at him thankfully, then left once again to be replaced by what appeared to be a small figurine of Janet Reno, making amorous noises at the piece of wall in Morgan's voice. Osan-gar smiled, jollying her along, and bent to move the piece of wall closer, whereas it ingested his arm. He screamed, making Lanfear accidentally apply wax all over her face, and flailed about, trying to get the wall off of his arm. It appeared that his arm ended about five inches from his shoulder, simply ending where the wall started. Aran-gar idly wondered where the rest of it went.

Biff/Buck/Hank stared lethargically as yet another warp-hole opened in the kitchen, what appeared to be an arm popping through and waving about, clenching its fist. Biff/Buck/Hank placed his spoon in it to hold while he wiped his arms off on his crusty apron, leaving several scrapes, and dialed a number on the phone in the wall. He waited while it rang. The line opened on the other end.

"Y'ello?" a suicidally cheerful voice said. "Mmmay I help you?"

"Is this Barbara from infomercials on channel five? The one with the fake eyelashes?"

"Mmwhy yes it is it is! Howmay I help you HUUUN?" The voice seemed to be trying to knock Biff/Buck/Hank off his feet with the sheer amount of pink lip gloss in it.

"Didn't you do a special on inter-dimensional warp-holes a week or so back?"

"Oh why yes I did! THANK Yuuu for watchin'!"

"Well, here it is in the kitchen of Denny's. I want it to go away," he whimpered, sniffling.

"AAWW. Well you know, I am justsosorry, I cannort help yuuuu." There was a click as Barbara from infomercials hung up the phone. William Buckley Hartford stared unhappily at it, listening as the operator's voice told him to please hang up, hoping it would comfort him.

Osan-gar giggled, as the stain had started nibbling on his arm, then just as suddenly it made an intriguing noise and coughed his arm up, along with what appeared to be the other end of a gateway. The gateway seemed to rotate, turn inside out, invert itself and finally turn purple, opening to let a figure step out and dust itself off. It smiled gratefully at Osan-gar, turned to Lanfear, bit her, then squeezed in through the hole to Heather's room.

"Who the hell was that?" Aran-gar wondered idly, because she was having an idle day.

"I think I would desperately like to do something with these drawers," Sarah said to herself.

Heather looked up as Devin squeezed through the hole she had made trying to secure the Mysterious Phantom for her company. Devin smiled and dusted herself off.

Sarah glanced up, then decided suddenly she would like to sleep in one of the drawers.

Morgan smiled. "Are you here with the orange juice and croutons I wanted to order from room service? I looooove croutons!" She then glared resentfully at Heather for making her say that. Heather gave her a very bland and underused innocent look. Sarah began to line the bottom of the drawer with towels. Devin dusted herself off again, then again, and finally turned to Morgan, speaking.

"No. But I do have some old ones in my pocket, if you want," Devin said, producing some.

"Oh yes, please and thank you," Morgan said, snatching them, begging Heather with her eyes to stop the insanity. Heather smiled, and stopped. Morgan threw the linty croutons resentfully at Heather, who giggled and fell over, asleep from her long day of inconsistency.

Back in Lews Therin's room, he was wishing for some croutons. Rand stared at him resentfully. He was the reason he wasn't spending the night with Elayne, Min, and Aviendha. That, and the fact that Aviendha had cornered him earlier and requested some alone time with Elayne, so they could 'discuss something of...::shiver:: the utmost importance'. He wasn't one to argue with a woman he wanted to hop in the sack with, so he unwillingly obliged, spending the night instead with Lews Therin and all of his friends, Padan Fain and the Myrddraal. Lews Therin had been more than unwilling to let Rand get alone with any of his love interests, upon learning what he did with them while Lewser was asleep. For some reason, Lews Therin had emphatically vomited when he found out, and had since been making it nearly impossible for Rand to get some, making him sing 'I Got You Babe', and chanting Richard Simmons' name whenever Rand got to feeling steamy, and making it very hard for any of the women to stay 'in the mood'. 

Rand glared resentfully at Lewser again, and Lews Therin smiled smugly back, since he knew exactly what Rand was thinking. The thumps had stopped from Faile and Perrin's room, and instead a sound like a cat being petted and beaten with a pole in turn came filtering through.

The following scene in Perrin and Faile's room has been edited for improper conduct. You will have to do what Lews Therin does and use your imagination.

Rand glared at Lewser again, even more resentful that the most thick of all of the _ta'veren_ was getting some with one of the most bitchy people in history, and then, since Lews Therin wasn't being affected by his glares since he was in Rand's head, he simply channeled and made Lews Therin explode.

Elayne looked up from her unpacking as an explosion rocked the building, then hastily look down again as she saw Aviendha sitting on one of the beds opposite her. It would stand to reason Heather would put her in the same room as Min, but the girl had unfortunately included Aviendha, not knowing about the woman's recent…obsession. She pummeled her panties into the bedspread in frustration. Min snorted from her perch on one of the room's two large, cushiony chairs. Elayne glared at her. It had no effect, since Min's face was pressed to something held between her hands, head tilted back, inhaling luxuriously and occasionally a little too enthusiastically. She brought her head down with a sigh to catch Elayne's wondering look.

"What?" she demanded defensively.

"Rand seems to be a bit…petulant," Elayne replied lightly. "Do either of you know why?"

Aviendha gave off staring sullenly at the bedspread and gazed rapturously at Elayne. "Aren't they wonderful?" she breathed.

"I don't know," Min said, "Rand's no Sunday cupcake, but Lews Therin's enough icing himself to make me wanna-!" She left off, cramming whatever she held in her hands back in her face and inhaling deeply.

"I thought I would go up and see what…" Elayne trailed off weakly. Min was glaring at her, and Aviendha was merely looking with no expression on her face. Min shook her head slightly as if arguing with herself, and snorted whatever it was she held, her eyes crossing, one bulging out offensively in Elayne's direction. Aviendha's eyebrows lowered, and she opened her mouth, when the door banged open. Birgitte stumbled in, conveniently knocking over the chair Min was in, and took a seat on the bed next to Elayne.

"Hi chicks." She grinned impudently at Aviendha, who glared murderously at her. Elayne wafted her panties in Birgitte's face to get her attention.

"Aahh-GHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUGH!!!!" Birgitte fell off the bed, and hit the opposite wall, writhing, twitching, gagging, and overall giving a less than favorable opinion of the condition of Elayne's underwear.

"Umm….would you do a favor for me?" Elayne addressed Birgitte's inert form. She sat up.

"What?"

Elayne slipped off the bed and whispered in her ear. The woman had the nerve to look affronted!

"No I will not!" Birgitte looked scandalized and titillated all at once.

Elayne leaned over to whisper something else. Min caught the words 'Lews Therin', and Birgitte's face brightened. She nodded, and slipped out the door, casually backhanding Min into the ceiling on her way out, making it seem accidental. Aviendha sighed again, and gazed into Elayne's face intently. Elayne hastily got up and excused herself.

Birgitte stalked down the hall toward the window Lews Therin was peering out of. He smelt something rotten. And it probably was the Myrddraal. Lews Therin suddenly shot up into the air, yowling and twisting to land on the Myrddraal's head, scratching with his toenails, making the thing purr. He liked dramatic entrances, even if most people didn't, and if they failed to make one, he did it for them. A hesitant knock came at the door. Lews Therin wondered how he knew. Padan Fain sauntered casually over to the door and ran into it, sticking. Rand opened them, admitting Birgitte, looking resentfully at Rand for some reason. She sighed and positioned herself on the bed.

"All right," she said, "Let's drop the pretense."

Lews Therin gave the Myrddraal a wondering look. 

"We both know Elayne wants your ass," Birgitte continued; Rand looked stupidly surprised, "so she asked me to come up here and……share the sensation, since she can't have you in person." Rand grinned. "But the truth is I hate your funky, botulism-infected ass. I'd rather screw the sticky floor at the bowling alley," Lews Therin nodded, "but she said something to the effect of what goes around comes around, and to confuse you and make a long story short, I have to go bonk Lews Therin now." Saying so, she grabbed him by the arm and hauled him out of the room, into a passing laundry tub.

"DAMN!" Rand hopped in whiney little circles. "I'm STILL not getting any because of him!"

Lanfear snuck out of the room where Osan-gar had been trying to stuff Aran-gar through the hole in order to reach the little soap-carved Janet Reno. She knew where she was going. She fingered her patchy eyebrows. Of all the humiliation she had to endure. She had decided earlier that if a thing had to be endured, some good could be found in it. So she had made up her mind to use the dollar Berf had given her to buy an Oh Henry, and then go and rape Lews Therin. She strode purposefully down the hall, picking pieces of hair-studded wax off of her face. A small and well-padded woman came down the hall opposite her, wearing the blue and white striped uniform of a maid, and pushing a laundry cart. Lanfear coolly ignored her. As the maid passed by, a voice pitched low so as not be heard called to her. 

"Psst!" Lanfear looked at the maid. The voice seemed, inexplicably, to be coming from her crotch. The maid stopped at Lanfear's look, and cleared her throat politely.

"Yes? May I help you?" She began to shift nervously under Lanfear's intense scrutiny of where she thought the voice had come from.

Lanfear gave a start and came to. "Wha? Oh! No, I was just out for a candy bar and a brief forced act of sexual intercourse."

The maid paled, obviously thinking Lanfear had meant the last part for her, and with a lurch took off, pushing the laundry cart. It rocked from side to side, and the voice came again, this time Lanfear realizing that the laundry cart was where the voice was coming from. She hurried purposefully toward it, making the maid run far, far away. Lanfear peered in at the tangle of Birgitte and Lews Therin at the bottom amidst dirty bedding. Birgitte crawled out, adjusting her coat.

"Hey! _Whaddup_?" She said, using an ancient form of speech they three were familiar with.

Off in another room, Rebecca smacks a hand to her forehead in dismay at the horrible joke, dislodging some wrinkles which float silently and lightly to the floor.

Lanfear peered at Lews Therin eyeing her blearily. Birgitte studied her for a moment.

"Hey, I have a proposition for you…" She related the task Elayne had burdened her with, and her reluctance to do it. " So, um….Hey, _I_ don't wanna, so I'll hold him down for you if _you_ do." 

Lanfear's eyes brightened, and Lews Therin began to mewl, and scurried out of the laundry cart. Birgitte casually smacked him back in, and hopped in with him to get a better purchase on his shoulders. Lanfear rubbed her hands together gleefully.

"But wait…" Lanfear said, climbing in, "What good is my raping Lews Therin to Elayne?"

"Well, I'll just go off and find someone else, but Elayne'll feel Lews Therin occupied, and assume it's me."

"Who are you going after?"

Birgitte smiled.

Thom had his finger crammed up his nose, and was twirling it idly. Suddenly, the door to his room banged open, admitting the Myrddraal goose-stepping in, completely naked. Thom screeched, slightly nasally, since his finger was still up his nose. Moiraine came darting out of the bathroom, clutching a _ter'angreal_ in one fist. When she saw the Myrddraal, she chucked the thing at it's head. It caught it easily, and stood staring at it in it's hand. Thom cleared his throat.

"Uh, ahem. Um, why are you naked?"

The Myrddraal started. "Huh? What? Nakewd?" It looked down at itself suspiciously. "Oh, yes. I seem to have not any of my clothes on. I went to the gas station across the street next to Denny's to look for a packet of cigarettes."

"That's a real bad habit, you know," Thom put in.

The Myrddraal shrugged. "There's benefits to being nearly impossible to kill. Besides, I'd like to have a little hole in my throat," it rasped. It paused, nodding sagely. "I've been bitten by a small prostitute," it said.

Moiraine choked on the wine she had been making in the bathtub. "Wh-what?!"

"Mmmmm, yes. At least, that's what I recall. She might have just been getting gas."

Moiraine shook her head, and Thom wiped off his face where he had been sprayed with wine. "Moiraine, are you using Elaida to ferment that crap?"

"Um……yes. I'm sorry," Moiraine apologized.

"And I'M a STUD!" the Myrddraal informed them.

"That's nice," came a tiny, droll voice from the bathroom.

"Shut up and ferment!" Moiraine ordered.

"Yes, you are," came a voice from the doorway. Birgitte stood there, eyeing the Myrddraal, his cloak dangling from one of her fists. 

"Ah-HA!" the Myrddraal exclaimed, pointing gleefully at his clothes. He turned to Thom. "THERE they are!"

Thom smiled at Birgitte. "Funny, she doesn't look all that small to me." Birgitte gave him a confused look, then hit him with her breast.

"Hell yeah!" The Myrddraal cheered them on, but was stopped short as Birgitte seized him and started dragging him out of the room. The Myrddraal waved at them. "Well, bye."

Birgitte smiled at him, and they disappeared around a corner.

Thom shook his head ruefully, and Moiraine took that opportunity to pounce on him and try to force her wine into his throat, succeeding in getting some in his ear

"Mmmm….weeeeeet," Lews Therin giggled quietly to himself from his seat on the Myrddraal's head. 

Birgitte gave him a curious stare. "Where'd you come from?"

Lews Therin quickly reviewed the events of the last few minutes. "Oh, right! Lanfear." He put on a solemn expression. "I fear she was attacked by a bout of alcohol induced impotence, and couldn't rape me after all."

Birgitte peered at the clothes she still held in her fist, and wondered how Lews Therin had managed to get on top of the Myrddraal's head while she was taking it's clothes off. 

"Well, in any case," she said, snapping the Myrddraal's eyelids "that should be about that for little miss Elayne of Andor."

"Mew?" Lews Therin tilted his head at a 45 degree angle questioningly. Birgitte explained. "If Elayne feels everything I feel personally, and she's stuck in the room with those other two horny harridans, then she could theoretically order me to do Rand, so it would almost like getting him in person. But-"

"You'd rather screw the sticky floor of the bowling alley." Lews Therin began to weep silently

"Exactly. So I thought I'd take you instead, since you're a stud, but then Lanfear came along, so I gave you to her, since you and Rand are basically the same. So then I could theoretically go find the Myrddraal, bonk him while he's not looking, have you occupied by Lanfear, and Elayne'll feel me with the Myrddraal, sense you, who she thinks is Rand, and assume I'm theoretically carrying out her theoretical orders."

Lews Therin put his nose in the Myrddraal's hair and snorted his scalp flakes.

Birgitte gagged, and chucked them both off the side of the balcony. She then put her hands in her pockets and happily strolled back to the room she and Elayne shared.

Egwene sat on a stool in Elayne's room, since she had been invited, brushing her hair. Min and Aviendha were as far away from each other as they could get and still be in the same room. Aviendha had even gone as far as carving a hollow in the wall with her spear to be even further away from Min. Egwene refused to be the peacemaker, and simply focused her attention on getting the weeds and built-up soot out of her matted and snarled mane. Elayne was usually the one to settle any tiffs between the two women, but she was in the bathroom, and had been for some time. When Egwene had first arrived, Min had been stuck to the ceiling, and Aviendha had been drawing two arched lines on the lampshade and sighing tremulously to herself. She had guiltily hid the pencil behind her back and blushed when Egwene had walked in, hurriedly telling her that Elayne had just entered the bathroom. Egwene had since decided to stay the night in their room, since her room was occupied by Elaida and Loial.

Her brush suddenly halted in mid-stroke as a high pitched squeal came from the bathroom. She shuddered, figuring Elayne had gotten hold of that nasty red _ter'angreal_ again. The one that was firm rather than hard, hot, and rounded at both ends. She had seen Aviendha sneaking it into her bags before they left. She peered over at Aviendha. She was bent backward so she could reach the ceiling of her little cave, and was drawing those two thin lines again, murmuring 'spectacular' to herself over and over.

The door burst open to admit Elayne's warder, wearing a red spandex shirt and 4 inch heels. Since the door happened to be the point furthest away from Aviendha's cave, Min was slammed against the wall. Birgitte apparently took no notice

"Hey," she greeted Egwene, throwing herself into a chair. The chair tipped backwards, spilling her onto the floor almost immediately. She righted the chair, and crawled back in again. "Where's Elayne?"

Egwene shot up off her chair and out the door. Birgitte stared at the stool for a moment before shaking her head and turning to Aviendha. "You're a little boy, aren't you?"

Aviendha gave a start and hid her drawings with her body. "What, Birgitte Trahlion?" she said, a touch breathlessly.

"I said, where's Elayne?"

Aviendha's brows lowered defensively. "My near-sister is a grown woman, and she-" She was cut off as the door to the bathroom slid open and Elayne walked happily and lethargically out. She stopped when her eyes fell on Birgitte, widening. "What are YOU doing here?!?" 

Birgitte gave her a patient look. "Catching my breath, stupid."

"But Rand's stil-" Elayne cut off with a squeak. "Why that DIRTY SON OF A-"

"Cool it, Elayne" Min's statement was slightly muffled by the door. She pushed it away, and grinned at the room. "He's probably got a _ter'angreal_ of his own."

Elayne fumed to herself for a moment. 

"Come on," Min said casually, "I mean, _you _especially should know, eh Aviendha? You were by his side constantly, you know his habits" Aviendha stared bloody murder at Min. Birgitte looked confused. It was into this that Rand himself strolled. 

He stopped at the door, shifting his boots nervously, since he appeared to be wearing only a towel. "Hey, um, have any of you seen my boxer shorts?"

"Eh?" Birgitte looked questioningly at Elayne, who was staring wonderingly at Rand. 

"But, how are you-?" Elayne fumbled, "What am I-? What the hell?" Rand looked confused. Min tried to hide something she held clutched in her fist behind her back. The movement attracted Rand's notice, and he stared at her accusingly. 

"YOU have them!" He dove toward her, and tried to wrench them from her grasp. She hung on, yowling. He put his boot in her face, pushing, finally freeing his panties from her grip. She launched herself at him, pressing her nose to them and inhaling deeply before he fended her off, holding her at bay with one hand. "What's WITH you?!?" She thrust her nose closer to him, snorting. "Eww! Go away!" He turned to run out the door, and collided with Egwene, coming back in. She casually hiked up her skirts and punted him over her head, out the door, Min still clinging tenaciously to his panties. She stalked in the room, sitting back down on the stool and carefully pulling out her stole, which she settled around her shoulders, turning to face Birgitte.

"You will address me as Mother, warder."

"Whuh?"

Elayne still looked confused. "Wait….how is it that Rand is still, but he was just…and…"

Birgitte gave her a very patient look. "Lews Therin."

"Oh…" Everyone in the room sighed.

Rand sailed over the railing, Min in tow, landing on a dirty Tercel parked in the driveway. Rand shook his head to clear it from the effects of falling three stories and landing your head on dented metal. When he could see again, he noticed a large burly woman sitting in the driver's seat, indeed filling the whole cab, with the steering wheel held in a deathgrip in two meaty hands. She slowly reached down to open the door, and laboriously oozed out of the cab, wiggling and making a heavy suction noise as the last of her rolls came free.

"You were at the Store earlier, wa'en't ya?"

"Uh…what store?" 

The woman raised one fifty pound fist and bashed his head into the carburetor.

"Don' gimme no lip!"

Rand picked his lips off the fender in compliance.

"Jes anser the question!"

Rand thought. "Uh….sure."

The hefty woman nodded heavily to herself, then rolled her way to the front office, making the water in the swimming pool ripple in a somewhat Jurassic Park effect.

Rand pushed himself out of the motor and noticed that while he had been in the engine Min had run off with his panties again.

Min tapped happily down the hall, huffing Rand's panties, and heading to the elevator for some….private time.

Rand succeeded in peeling himself from the car, finally, and decided to walk over to the pool to see if the amount of bugs in it had turned it into a solid mass. The pool merely had the consistency of Jello, so he looked hurriedly around and, seeing no one, dropped his towel and made ready to dive in. Suddenly, he halted and fell over, as he was bombarded with sensations from all three of his Warders. He sat up and tried to focus on one at a time. He unfortunately chose Min first. He froze, crimson flooding his face before an evil grin buried it. He used the bond to locate her and maybe thwart Lews Therin's attempts to keep him chaste after all.

Elayne screamed in pure terror and raced around the room pursued by Aviendha, who was panting after her and cooing sweet nothings at her ass. Apparently, she had suddenly decided to consummate their relationship while Elayne wasn't looking. Birgitte sat in the corner holding her sides and laughing uproariously. Egwene had resumed brushing her hair, and the subsequent ripping noises had drowned out Elayne's pleas for help, so she was oblivious to all.

Heather's inert form slowly rose in the dark room where she and Morgan were sleeping, and floated out the window toward the room where Elayne was begging for sweet mercy.

Aviendha held two fake eyebrows clutched firmly in one sweaty hand, and tried desperately to catch up to Elayne and her eyebrows. They WERE wonderful, as she had commented earlier, but no one had understood at the time. Elayne had been taunting her since the trip began, stroking her eyebrows, furrowing them, moving them about in all sorts of ways, flaunting them right in front of Aviendha. Well, she would be baited no more. She couldn't stand the teasing. She surreptitiously reached down and patted her belt pouch where her electric razor had been carefully hidden earlier. It would end tonight.

Heather's sleeping form levitated into the room, causing everyone to freeze. Her eyes suddenly popped open, and she launched herself while in midair, straight for Aviendha

"I SAID NO NEAR-SISTERING!"

Aviendha obediently fell to the floor under Heather's attack, and lay there satisfyingly unconscious. Heather dusted her feet purposefully and strode out of the room, falling down asleep promptly, three feet from the door.

Elayne leaned against the doorframe, panting heavily, trying desperately to catch her breath. Birgitte was still hawing at her. She glared at her, and stole some of her strength using the bond, then stuck her tongue out at her. Birgitte slumped to the floor, and glared at her back, lacking the strength to even get up and pound her head in. Elayne dusted her mind purposefully, and turned to find Aviendha, off of the floor and glaring at her. There was a click, and the hum of electricity filled the room. Aviendha held up the razor menacingly in front of Elayne's face.

"It ends tonight."

__

Oh Light, thought Elayne, _she's going to kill me_

She screamed as Aviendha threw herself at Elayne, grabbing her head in one hand to hold it steady. Birgitte stirred weakly and put her hand forward to dig her fingernails into the carpet. "Hey, you, stoppit."

Aviendha tackled Elayne easily, and slammed a shield between her and the Source. As Elayne saw the razor inch closer to her face, she had a sudden inexplicable craving for a bagel and pickle. 

With one swipe of her hand Aviendha's task was completed.

Elayne sat up, putting a hand to her face wonderingly. "That's it?"

Aviendha pointed the razor at her for effect. "You will no longer flaunt your perfect eyebrows around like a dirty trollop!"

Elayne frowned, trying to furrow her headbumps. "A what?"

Aviendha grinned darkly. "Who do you think Rand will want now?"

Elayne thought on this, then smiled to herself and chuckled. "Well, now my face is kissably smooth."

Aviendha put her head back and howled unhappily.

Birgitte pulled herself forward with her fingernails and weakly scratched Aviendha's ankles. "Take that."

Aviendha kicked her away and stalked out of the room. 

Elayne peered into the mirror over Egwene's shoulder. "I hope I don't get ingrown hairs…"

"What!?" Egwene shouted.

Min sat in the elevator, fingering…..

Rand's panties and contemplating how she was going to spend the rest of the evening. She smiled, unlacing her breeches while sliding a long, cylindrical object out of her pocket and getting to work with it, when suddenly the door of the elevator slid open. She launched to her feet, unfortunately leaving her breeches around her knees. Birgitte came stalking through the door dragging the Myrddraal clutching a _ter'angreal_ with Lews Therin on his head. Birgitte's eyes narrowed at Min's half-nakedness. "What ARE you doing in here all by yourself?" 

Min shifted her feet guiltily, and stared at the ground. "Um…" Crimson flooded her face.

Birgitte leaned forward to stare slightly below Min's midsection. "Are you…? Have you been-"

"She's drawing male naughty bits on her panties!!!" The Myrddraal howled happily. Lews Therin uncrossed his eyes and peered at her. 

"So she is! Who wants bunt cake?"

"Shut up Lewser." Birgitte suddenly grinned. "Need help?"

Min smiled shyly. Birgitte pressed the button for the roof and the elevator doors slid shut.

Rand arrived at the elevator shaft, panting slightly at his small pathetic trek up the stairs. He pressed the button for the second floor and patiently waited for the elevator to descend, bringing him his love.

Heather's head shot up from where it had been resting comfortably on her arms. "Ok now I'm done." She got up and walked idly down the hall, jingling the set of keys in her hand, determined to check on everyone even if it killed her.

Rand stood next to the door shifting his feet urgently, since the sensations from Min were getting rather….frantic. He really didn't think he could stand another day staying chaste. "Grrrr!" he yelled, pounding on the door in frustration, "Don't start without meeee!"

"Righty-o Batman." Rand screamed like a mama's boy and spun to face Heather, resplendent with a large armprint across her face. "What do you think you're doing here, boy?"

Rand whined and pointed to the door with little fist-sized dents in it. "Min's horny and-"

"I seem not to care.." Heather turned and walked away. 

Rand hopped up and down impatiently. "And I'm gonna POP!!!"

Suddenly and blessedly, the little light above the doors came on, and they opened on Birgitte, Lewser, and the Myrddraal, all wearing large grins. Tears came to Rand's eyes, not because the Myrddraal's white ass was naked, but because the sensations from Min had ceased. Rage filmed Rand's eyes, and he darted into the elevator to confront those who he was sure had thwarted his chance at getting laid. "WHAT DID YOU DO TO HER?"

"Who, Alfred?" Everyone looked at the Myrddraal, the one who had spoken.

"No, Alfred, not you." Birgitte turned her attention back to Rand. "Well……"

"What?!?"

"Welllllllll……."

"WHAT?!?"

"You're not gonna liikkee ittttt……"

"WHAT DID YOU DO TO MIN?"

"Eeee hee heee heee!" Lewser giggled insanely. "We tied her up and drew manly bits on her panties and scraped a hole in Loial's ceiling and then we attached her to a rope and…" Lews Therin took a breath and demonstrated his next sentence with a hand movement, "We done..loooooowwwerrrrrrrred her iiiiiiinnnnnnnnn"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

Rand pounded the button for the third floor, the one Egwene, Elaida and Loial shared, and shot out the door once it opened. Just as it was sliding shut, his hand caught one of the doors and he leaned in menacingly. "I'll deal with all of you later."

The door closed, and Birgitte smiled at Lews Therin. "How bout we save him the trouble and do it ourselves?"

"Pooooop," Lewser said, staring at his bootsole.

I'm full of whimsy! I know it's been nearly a year since I worked on this thing, but HAHA knaves! HERE COMES THE FUN!!! I shall be working on it/finishing it soon. I'll also be converting it into multi-chapter form soon, for the ease of reading.

Have multiples.


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